Love me through the storm

You know that movie Frozen? It makes me want to ugly cry during the whole thing. Not because of the love the sisters share (although it is very sweet and I have sisters) but because I can relate to Elsa in so many ways. Did you know that movie is a depiction of anxiety? If you watch her actions, you can see how deeply affected and ashamed she is of her anxiety. 

When I mention anxiety, I don't mean, yikes I'm so nervous for this test. I mean panic, obsessive thoughts, irrational fears, dissociation...it can strike at any time and on different levels. Triggers for each person are different but just as intense. Unfortunately, if you have never suffered with anxiety it is incredibly hard to understand.

It is hard for the person whose brain can have a thought and move right along with their life to comprehend why someone else cannot do this. People who live with anxiety can't make the jump in their brain from thought to process and move along. We get stuck on the thought we had, whatever it may be...there are too many people here what if there is an emergency and I can't move... it's raining with wind, lightening and thunder, we are going to have a tornado...what if my kids get in an accident when I am not with them... and these irrational fears and thoughts become a mountain and before you know it we physically feel affected. People without anxiety can have these exact same thoughts and move along with their life...we cannot. IT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL.

I feel like those who do not suffer have the hardest time understanding this simple element. We don't have control over this feeling of impending doom. And comments like "just get over it" don't help, but make it worse. We already feel out of control but when it's pointed out, what that does internally to us is painful. 

Why did I choose to write this? Honestly it has been really heavy on my heart. Mental health has such a stigma attached to it. Anxiety is very much a part of mental health, and I guarantee that you know someone who lives with this.

So if you know someone suffering or living with anxiety, love them. If they want to talk to you or try to explain it, listen without too much input (some is okay), but most of all love them through this storm as Ana does with Elsa. She loved her sister even with of all the walls and fears Elsa had built up.

Getting Plugged In

I never realized how important being plugged into your church community was. Growing up, we went to church on most Sundays, I went to VBS in the summers and when we moved I started going to a youth program at a local church. However, it never went deeper than that for me as far as church involvement was concerned. I was a kid so that was probably a huge part of it, but being really plugged in to my church family was not a priority. 

Enter early adulthood I rarely went to church. I knew I loved my Savior Jesus Christ but it just was not my top priority again. I am not saying it is bad not to go to church, there are many avenues now that you can be plugged in if you can't physically be there and I think that is so awesome! However, in recent months I've learned the importance of the church community and those amazing God given relationships. 

When we had the boys, church felt impossible. We had chosen to hold off on vaccines for a bit, so I wasn't going to put them in the nursery. When we did attempt to go, we tried the mother's room. Husbands are typically not allowed but the mother who was in there nursing her baby saw that we had two babies and I needed a hand...it was so hard and we ended up leaving because we couldn't hear the message. My anxiety spiked much during those first few years of the boys' lives and it wasn't until recently I started feeling like myself again. 

Sometimes I just smile at the amazing why God works. I was feeling extremely secluded when I had the boys. Their entrance into the world was traumatizing for me, add having TWO babies to cart every where and it was just too much. I didn't do much for the first 2.5 years of the boys' lives. I never took them to the park if I was by myself, they didn't experience many things I saw my friends experiencing with their singletons. With that said, a friend of mine who I had talked to on and off over the years told me about Mother of Multiples at a local church. I so badly needed those connections, those friends who knew exactly how I was feeling, I was craving it. I can say that was the first thing that I involved myself in after the boys that really helped me get out. It gave me an excuse to leave the house and it fed a part of me that was hungry. I am so so so grateful for these women. It has been so amazing for my boys too, I just love it! As MOPs was feeding my faith I knew that I needed to start attending church more. I was feeling better but my heart was still missing something. 

Six months ago a close friend of mine told me that the pastor who performed our wedding ceremony moved to a new location...right by our house. I was ecstatic! We started attending and on the second day I was there I signed us up for a community group based on marriage. It has been a gift for us to be involved and more plugged in. My relationship with the Lord feels stronger than it has in a long time. We still have Sundays we can't go or choose not to because my husband works 6 days a week and they only family day we get is Sunday. However, being plugged into the group has been great for our spiritual walk together. It bums me out when we can't make it to our group meet ups, like today. One of our littles is sick...again. This has been the worst cold/ flu season EVER! Sick kids are part of life, busy schedules are part of life, tiredness is part of life, you have to put forth an effort to improve yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. That is why being plugged in is important! It gives you more opportunities to stay on course than fall back. We might not get to church as often as we should or could, but we are trying. We are working to grow in our spiritual walk which looks different for each person. The important thing is the sense of community, the accountability and the growth. 

So get plugged in friends! In a way that will help you grow in the Lord! Just like everything else, change takes time, but you'll notice a huge sense of love and spiritual growth when you make these connections. I am so thankful I fought through those hard days and that the Lord put friends in my life to help me find my way back. 

Know Your Tribe

Being a mom is hard. I truly don't feel that any mom will say "heck yeah, this is the easiest thing I've ever done". Having friends to cling to during those super hard days, friends who get it, who've cried over spilled milk, who have been so exhausted they can't think straight, who have sacrificed in the most loving ways for their children to be happy, who have tried to have an adult conversation with their kids around, only to be interrupted an endless amount of times and then forget what it was they were actually saying...those friends are your life savers. Your tribe.

A few weeks ago we took a trip up to my husbands home town. He went on an incredible ride along the Kern Canyon and I got the opportunity to hang out with one of my tribe members (haha). But really, this friend is one my husband grew up with and through our mom journey, she has become one of my closest friends. She, myself and another one of my best friends text each other weekly. We talk about anything from fitness to how we feel we've failed as moms or wives and everything in between. These two friends have been a saving grace. They support me, help me KNOW that I am not alone when I struggle.

Here are a couple pictures from our trip

Mt. Mesa Bike Gang

Friends walking to our favorite brewery for lunch

This chick! You would never know by our smiles and cheers but we were constantly chasing our littles around the patio of the brewery, telling them not to jump off the rocks or climb to high. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time together, but lunch with a friend when you bring the kiddos along is 100% different than going solo, even with the most well behaved kids. That's why knowing your tribe, whether they are parents or not, is so important. Cling tight to them. They will be your solid ground when your world is spinning out of control. They will tell you, that you are not alone in your day to day struggles, they will love on  you when you feel the most unlovable.

I am so thankful for my tribe of wonderful friends. Thank you for loving me and walking this crazy journey with me!