You are Beautiful

Go back to a time in your life that you felt the most beautiful or of value. When was that?

For me, my wedding day was a day I felt beautiful. My self value was placed in working, family, friendships and school.

When I became a mom, my whole world changed. I went from working woman with a degree working a nine to five,  to stay at home mom being on call 24/7. It was a huge change for me, physically and mentally. Over time, I valued myself less, I saw what other women were accomplishing and it made me happy for them, but sad for me. I was slowly losing that feeling of value on the inside. I constantly compared myself to people on IG. Well she has two kids and can do that or why don't I have the energy to workout like she does?   I LOVE being stay at home mom, but it does not come without challenges. Some women handle it wonderfully while others really struggle. I wouldn't change my circumstances, ever, but I want people, women especially, who are struggling with value and self worth to know that they are not alone.

I went through my instagram and deleted everyone I did not know. Even the ones I felt were inspirational, I would see their post and be inspired and then instantly bummed I wasn't doing the same thing in my life.  I do have to say I am in a better place now than I was even a month ago. Mentally I am not beating myself up for not being this momma who works out daily, runs her own business and keeps a working household.  Here's the thing though, God made us all so different. I don't have endless amounts of energy, some people do, and that is awesome. I am not super organized like I used to be and that's okay too. I keep my house clean, my boys fed and happy, I play with them and teach them manners. I am usually last on my roster of things to take care of but that's the season I am in.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven. 

What a great reminder that I don't have to do it all or be all right now to have value or beauty. My season is here at home, focusing on my boys, my husband and my household. I am good with that.

I am working on making time for me. Hence, this little space to share my stories, or the 20 minutes I gave myself to pump a little iron, or the nap I let myself take because I am mentally exhausted. Ladies, do what makes you happy. Love yourself. Give yourself a break that you aren't what we see all over instagram. I am not talking down on these incredible IG accounts because I think what they do is awesome, but ladies, our circumstances are different our season is different. One day you might have energy to conquer the world and the next maybe you want to sleep in and just make sure the kitchen is clean.

We need to learn to love ourselves and our seasons. Once I started to shift my focus to the fact that I am in a different season and one day I'll have my energy back I started to view myself differently. Instead of seeing this lazy, over worked and underpaid momma (aren't we all, ha!), I saw a beautiful wife, a loving friend and a devoted mother. It's not easy, but don't let what you think you aren't take away from what you really are.

You are BEAUTIFUL and you are VALUABLE.

The Rock Family

I get asked a lot if we are done having kids. As per Leif and I, yes we are. I always say if God wants us to have more then we will. However, right now we feel complete. That is a true feeling and I have many friends who don't have that feeling with their 2 or 3 or more kids, they feel that someone is missing. When we are out as a family I feel so whole. I was meant to be the mom of twin boys.

Today we were playing in the backyard and CJ made a rock family. First he collected a big rock, then a slightly smaller one and then two of similar size. I asked him who was who and he said daddy was the big rock, mommy was the smaller rock and he and his brother were the smallest rocks. He placed himself by the mommy rock and his brother by the daddy rock. My heart feels so full and so complete. 

Love me through the storm

You know that movie Frozen? It makes me want to ugly cry during the whole thing. Not because of the love the sisters share (although it is very sweet and I have sisters) but because I can relate to Elsa in so many ways. Did you know that movie is a depiction of anxiety? If you watch her actions, you can see how deeply affected and ashamed she is of her anxiety. 

When I mention anxiety, I don't mean, yikes I'm so nervous for this test. I mean panic, obsessive thoughts, irrational fears, dissociation...it can strike at any time and on different levels. Triggers for each person are different but just as intense. Unfortunately, if you have never suffered with anxiety it is incredibly hard to understand.

It is hard for the person whose brain can have a thought and move right along with their life to comprehend why someone else cannot do this. People who live with anxiety can't make the jump in their brain from thought to process and move along. We get stuck on the thought we had, whatever it may be...there are too many people here what if there is an emergency and I can't move... it's raining with wind, lightening and thunder, we are going to have a tornado...what if my kids get in an accident when I am not with them... and these irrational fears and thoughts become a mountain and before you know it we physically feel affected. People without anxiety can have these exact same thoughts and move along with their life...we cannot. IT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL.

I feel like those who do not suffer have the hardest time understanding this simple element. We don't have control over this feeling of impending doom. And comments like "just get over it" don't help, but make it worse. We already feel out of control but when it's pointed out, what that does internally to us is painful. 

Why did I choose to write this? Honestly it has been really heavy on my heart. Mental health has such a stigma attached to it. Anxiety is very much a part of mental health, and I guarantee that you know someone who lives with this.

So if you know someone suffering or living with anxiety, love them. If they want to talk to you or try to explain it, listen without too much input (some is okay), but most of all love them through this storm as Ana does with Elsa. She loved her sister even with of all the walls and fears Elsa had built up.