H.O.P.E.

So if you follow my personal IG or even my _fittobetwinned_ IG, you know that I have two herniated discs in my lower back. One is worse than the other, but both write ups say that the herniations are pushing on my nerve roots. This explains the weakness and pain I had/ have in my lower back and legs. Needless to say, the last few weeks have been tough. 

A mix of heavy muscle relaxers, my anxiety and a bad mood made the last three weeks feel like I lived in a prison in my body....does that make sense? I've had so much help and I am so grateful. I have my moments of "poor me" because, yeah it does stink having pain daily, pain that I've been in and out of the last three weeks, but there are people who live with pain chronically. How selfish of me.

There are people who don't know when or if their pain will improve. I know mine will, with Physical Therapy, strength and because I am young I should bounce back easily.  Although I know those things, sometimes the pain is annoying and I'm tired of dealing with it, that's when I started Pinterest searching "dealing with pain", which is when I found HOPE.

Hold On Pain Ends

It does, in one form or another. This life is so temporary. The decisions that I bare such weight in, those are temporary. Do you know what is forever though? 

Heaven. That is for eternity. So if I'm meant to suffer, even temporarily here, I know that even though it feels like forever, it's not, because I believe in something more. And by no means is my pain I've experineced the last three weeks even something to compare to what others go through. Yes, for me it was hard and is still hard, because I want to be me again, but it's different from what the person next to me might be suffering...

Pain isn't only physical. It's emotional too. I myself have been tormented by anxiety and OCD, I've wished I was "normal" (a different post on that later). My point is, we can and will get through these pains in our lives. Use it to build you, not break you. I know, easier said than done. 

If I've learned anything from this injury though; it is to stop living my life with so many restrictions, within reason. I want to enjoy things when I can, experience amazing things with my husband and children and stop letting fear rule my decisions, because in the end...I don't even have control. I like to think I do, but the truth is I don't. 

So my friends, have hope. Whatever it is your enduring push through and you will make it to the other side, stronger and wiser than you were before.

-Nic

Where I've Been

The best explanation? 

Life. 

Last year I was doing so well with my healthy lifestyle. Making healthy choices, walking daily, lifting twice a week and consuming more water. Then...July hit. Vegas, my 30th birthday, a river trip, so on and so forth. Before I knew it the holidays were here and staying on track, or getting back on track, proved to be extremely difficult for me. I gained my weight back and lost my energy. 

Oh and did I mention in November I hurt my back...it hasn't been the same since. I have to be extremely careful with my workouts. Even walking. It is so frustrating! I re injured it this week and have been out of commission since Tuesday. Thank God for my mom. She has helped me so much. I can't walk in the mornings, let alone try to pick up my 30 pound twins. 

As I deal with this it is in the back of my mind that I am still trying to get my food back on track and into a routine with exercise. 

It. Is. Hard. 

The boys have been transitioning to one nap a day so that's thrown me off and by the end of the day I'm just so drained it take everything in me to get a lift in. I know that I'm not the only one with this struggle, and I know other people make it work, I know I can too. It's in me, I just need to hunker down and do it. 

So yes, those are my reasons I've been gone. I haven't blogged as much as I would like, and I haven't posted to my fitness Instagram in who knows how long...it's time to get back on track. 

This quote below means a lot to me. I love to feel strong...now if my back would heal up maybe I could at least get back to lifting! 

Letting the Baby Stage Go

We decided pretty soon after the boys were born that we were done having children. After my pregnancy ended sooner than expected, my pregnancy induced hypertention, the boys being in the NICU and the possibility of me having twins again, we felt it was best to not have more. My mom has always said she didn't feel like our family was completed until she had my youngest sister. Once they brought her home, they were a complete family. I feel like our little family is very complete, I don't feel like we are missing a person, so this works out great for us! If God blesses us with another, of course I will love that baby just the same and I can bet I will feel VERY complete, and a bit crazy! Haha!

With that said, knowing that I am done having babies means I've had to say goodbye to baby stages as they come and then go. There is a part of me that is sad I only got to experience certain things once, but times two. Ha!  A neighbor at my mom's house (who has twins) put it perfectly. She said "when you have twins, and only twins, you go through each stage like everyone else, but you only experience it once, you are inundated with it, but you only get it once. Singleton families get to experience those baby stages a second time, third time etc". She put my thoughts into words so perfectly. I was feeling like I was missing something but couldn't put my finger on it until she said that. Of course, every family is different, some want more and can't have more, some have several, some have one, the thing is, we all go through letting the baby stage go, and it's sad.

My babies are toddlers, they need me, but not the same way as they used to. The sweet little baby noises, nursing, baby food making etc. I got it, and I got a lot of it, but I only got it once. I am okay with that! Just like when you wean your baby from nursing, there is a part of you that is sad that very hard, but very amazing part of your life and relationship with your baby is over. 

I used to stand in the kitchen and be so frustrated that making their food took me so long. Like I wasn't tired enough? Then they would go through 10 jars of baby food in what felt like 3 days! Or that nursing them took two of us to get me set up. Diapers changes took twice as long and I had two reflux babies. Those responsibilities as a mom have changed. I've had to let the baby stage go.... Now, I miss those days. I see these little babies, hanging out in their boppies or in their swings and although those first months with the boys were very hard, I miss that too. Do I want to do it again? Oh no, haha! However, I miss it a lot.

So take it in. Take in the stress, the cries, the first baby giggles, the baths, the numerous diaper and outfit changes, take in those baby moments and if and when you get to do it again, love every moment, because it goes way too fast! It is so easy to get caught up in trying to survive somedays, that it is so important to remember you will blink and these sweet babies will be big kids.

~Nicole