I wanted to be everything

I've struggle so much to blog. It's not that I have nothing to say, because I do! I just worry, will what I say one day affect the boys in a way I don't want it to? Will they misinterpret things I say about parenthood? Am I saying too much, being too honest? I still haven't fully decided what direction I am going to take this blog. It started as a fitness type thing, but that quickly fell apart, like a lot of things that I have attempted since becoming a mom...which is what brings me to this blog post.

I want to be everything. I struggle so much with what social media puts out there as far as what we as moms are supposed to be. Being that I am a stay at home mom, I'm supposed to be organized, have my stuff together, but also run a side business and do all these extras. Please don't get me wrong, I look up to those mommas who have that amazing energy. I am not one of them. I neeeeeed my sleep. When the boys nap, I do too, on days I have extra energy, yay! However, most days I jut need that 20 minute power nap, and then I know I can tackle the afternoon head on.  I know one day I won't feel so exhausted, but for now, this is the stage I'm in, the running after two, almost three year olds, stopping every 2-3 minutes to answer sweet questions, break up a fight or take a picture. I LOVE staying home, but I struggle that I am not doing enough.

Before I had the boys my drive to be successful was great! I worked full time and received my Bachelors degree in Business Management. After we got married I got a new job and worked there for 2 years. During my time at this new company I realized I wanted to change fields. I wanted to become a Speech Pathologist. I began taking classes and commuting an hour once a week after working a full day. It was about 3 weeks into my class we found out I was pregnant, and then around week 5 when we found out it was twins. The drive home from my class was exhausting and late at night. Yes, count it as an excuse, I just didn't feel like it was safe for me to keep driving that time and distance during my twin pregnancy.

I had every intention on working part time after we had kids, but throw in the twin factor and daycare...that idea quickly went out the door and that was okay, really, it was. I LOVE being home with the boys, there is no where I would rather be. However, there is this drive in me that I have to do more, accomplish more, be busier....what is that?! I'm a mommy to twin boys for goodness sake, I'm pretty darn busy!

This drive to do more is strong though, I've attempted many different work from home opportunities and when I don't see the fruits of my labor flourish quickly, I am over it. I am so impatient now a days. Why? I think it's because I want something to show off. Look! I stay home and I do this and I do that. Please, my mommy friends who are reading this and have their own companies, or work full time, please know how much I admire you and I see that as a gift that God gave you! God gifted me in a different way, perfect for me. I really, really  need to accept that, and know that it is okay to not be everything and the biggest thing to realize is most moms feel this way. I want so badly to just enjoy where God has me in life right now, because one day I will miss this so incredibly much. One day, I will be busier and I will miss the busy I have now. God has gifted me with being a stay at home mommy, I might not meet the same social media expectations but I meet His and that is what matters the most.

Because at the end of the day, I am everything to two little boys and their daddy.