We've All Been There

I dubbed it the great Disneyland Bathroom Tantrum of 2016. 

I really thought I had made it past the tantrums in public stage unscathed. I mean, I have twins and never had to deal with a public meltdown before. Mom win! I've never really given the boys the opportunity; they've been contained when we go in stores avoiding the random grabbing of all the things and the fight to put the things back, I always make sure we go out after naps or waaaay before, and I always have a snack to keep them occupied.  

Well this day, the stars aligned and I failed on all my survival tactics. The massive tantrum began and lasted for 15 minutes. I yelled, I whisper yelled (you know that wonderful clenching of the teeth while you practically growl at your child to listen? Yeah, I did that), I pleaded, I threatened to leave Disneyland all together. 

Nothing worked. 

I had to ride it out and let him do his thing. While I did my very best not to throw my own personal tantrum. I felt judged. Some mothers looked at me with the "oh sweetie, I've been there" and I felt the "control your child" stares. Made up or not I felt it.  

Before I had kids, I was the one who heard a kid in public throwing a tantrum and thought "ugh control your kid, mine will NEVER do that in public". I'm embarrassed to admit that, and I really hope I'm not the only one who has been humbled by having their very own tantrum throwers. But when I became a mom I quickly realized that you really have no control of these little beings what so ever. These amazing people you brought into the world are individuals, they are unique, they are their own person, and they are sometimes completely out of control. You can definitely shape them by teaching them your ways but every now and then their own ideas come out (oh my!). Whether it's by a lack of communication skills or a lack of understanding their feelings sometime the only way they feel a release is by kicking and screaming.  

When we see this happening we need to offer grace to these kiddos and their parents. Our kids are not perfect and we certainly are not either. We cannot hold kids and parents to these standards of perfection. When you see that momma struggling maybe ask if you can help or encourage her by telling her "I've been there" or if she looks to flustered, say a prayer for her momma heart. 

Because we have all been there and if you haven't maybe there is another battle that you have to face as a parent. We all need to give each other grace and most of all, ourselves. 

Today I was a major B

Funny title right? It's all I could think of. This week has been hard, my routine with the boys has been a little different, my poor husband has been sleeping on the couch because it is the only place he can prop up his arm, and the boys are not sleeping well...plus a gazillion other things.

So naturally, I was not a nice mommy or wife this morning. If I was married to any less of a man this day could have gone really sour, but instead he let me throw my adult tantrum all morning while we shopped until I got sleep after the boys went down. Before I closed my eyes, I prayed. I was so upset for my behavior. I was upset that my routine was off. I was upset I let my selfish nature get in the way of graciously taking care of my husband. I was a being a B and I knew it.

I woke up refreshed and apologized. My husband sweetly told me I was being "difficult". I was reminded that although our marriage is truly amazing, it is so easy for our selfish nature to get in the middle. Everything I was upset about this morning was because my normal was off. But what about his? How is he feeling not being able to work, or constantly having to hear me say "babe, don't do that" or "you should rest"? I know he is struggling. He hates that he cannot be back at work not only for our family, but because his work crew depends on him. He hasn't been rude to me though.

*I hang my head*

Ashamed.

I am quickly reminded that admitting my wrong and letting him tell me how I was acting without getting too offended we were able to move right along with our evening. I'm in a better mood because I got to confide in him how I am feeling and this small hiccup brought us closer. These next two weeks will be hard. They will be an adjustment. Together we can get through this little crazy blip in our regularly scheduled programs.

Moral of the story? Be thankful for your spouse. Don't let your selfish nature get in the way, most often times the issue comes from yourself and not your spouse. Believe it or not, your spouse does like you, and does know when you're struggling. Let them love you and let them support you. Sometimes they know more about you, than you know about yourself. Be kind. Be honest. Be vulnerable. That's when the Lord is working on your heart and opening a new door.

Let Them Help Part Two

Hi friends, what a whirlwind of a past weekend/week it has been. My husband was hurt in a dirt bike crash over the weekend while we were in Bakersfield visiting some great friends of ours. He is okay, thank God, and we know just how easily it could have been a different outcome. Accidents happen and that is exactly what this was. He wasn't riding over his head, he wasn't being reckless, it was an accident and we are so thankful that it was only his wrist that was broken.

I am pretty sure if any of you reading have a love one who participates in an extreme sport you know there are only a couple phone calls you can expect to get and at what time. There is the "we are done and heading back safe" call and there is the "I'm hurt" call. I'm still coming off of the adrenaline and worries of this weekend. A helicopter, ambulance ride, 5 hour stint in the ER, one wrist reset, a two hour surgery and two night hospital stay later, we finally got to head home.

From the second I got the call I was getting support. My girlfriend and I had been at the zoo with our littles when the call came. As I started freaking out because I didn't know if he was injured worse or where exactly he was, she just kept saying "breath, stay calm, it will be okay" and immediately started making phone calls of her own to her dad and uncle who dropped whatever it was they were doing to do their best to get to my husband. Her husband, who was with my husband, handled it so well, made all the right phone calls and made sure that my husband got to where he needed to safely.

The whole day felt like slow motion. I wasn't home, and my normal call to my mom to help didn't feel like an option. I knew that I didn't want to bring the boys to the hospital with all of the unknowns. So on top of her two kids my friend watched my twins as I drove to the mouth of the canyon to hopefully catch the ambulance my husband was on. While I was away from the boys, my friend fed them, put them down for a nap and loved on them when I couldn't. They didn't understand completely why daddy wasn't back and why I had to leave so fast.  My mom did end up driving out to Bakersfield from Temecula to get the boys since we had a couple days ahead of us in the hospital, and I was so thankful but also felt guilty she drove all that way.

I started making phone calls to my brother in law knowing he would be a voice of reason in my other wise worried state. I let him make further phone calls to my father in law. I felt like there were so many unknowns and I was in a fog. Until I got to my hubby I just didn't know the extent. Thank God, it was just  his wrist. However, it was a compound fracture, and it required surgery that went for 2 hours. We know this could be a completely different story and that's why we say it's just his wrist, although it affects us more than it sounds like it should.

All that to say this, let people help you. I struggle with this. When I found out I was having twins I knew I would need help, but I didn't want to admit it. I felt like because they were given to me, they were mine and my husbands sole responsibility and although that is true in day to day circumstances, there is a reason that saying "it takes a village to raise a child" exists. We need to help each other out, and we need to accept help. No matter if it's a prayer you can't hear but you know someone is saying, it's an "I love you" when you are struggling, or it's a friend watching your babies while you're with your husband in the ER, accept it. It's hard, but it's letting go of what you can't control and letting others lift you up.

We were also so blessed by another sweet, selfless friend who took tim out of her busy mommy/ wife filled day, to make a meal and shop for my family. Can I do these things myself while my husband is home recovering? Yes. But what she gave me was an evening off and a few things to cross of my grocery list. She gave me a few hours to rest my worried head and heart about what the next few weeks will bring. There are no words to explain how loved that made us feel. It can be hard to accept but when you have people around you who want to help and have the heart to, let them.

Thanks again to everyone who prayed, sent messages, loved on us, called and checked in on us during this time. Through it all, my husband kept his sense of humor and kept me laughing, he is strong and brave and I am so thankful he is okay.

Let them Help

You know when your have a million things on your to do list and it's like your kids know you're under pressure? Or when you just want to vacuum without being asked a million times "mommy, me do it" because you know they won't do the same job you do? Or what about the times you are unloading the car from a grocery trip and you are shouting at the kids to just get inside while you pile 10 bags on each arm? I mean, come on, that is much easier than letting my twin three year olds take a million trips out to the car to help me unload. Right?

Wrong-o!

My mom told me once that her trick, when raising her four littles, was to let us help when we wanted. To give us jobs. It actually bought her some time to do something else or worked as an awesome distraction. My first thought when she told me this was "yeah, that's not going to happen. That would actually be the opposite of productive!" But lo and behold, my mom is a pretty smart lady.

I started letting go of controlling each situation and letting them help. I know it sounds so easy, but I think as moms we get stuck in a crunch of "this needs to be done now and just like this", I know that I do. However, when I started letting the boys help, I got more from it than I thought I would. I get to see their little faces light up when they help me carry "that super heavy bag" in from the car. I get to hear "mommy, I did it""mommy, I'm so strong""mommy, I'm a big helper". These were moments I was missing out on because I just wanted to do things quickly and my way.

I can be so selfish, and there is nothing like motherhood to teach you that lesson. So let them help, give them a job to do and build them up! Encourage them to hold a door open for a stranger and say please and thank you. Let them help empty the dishwasher even if it takes 20 minutes (side eye). Let them help, because their sweet, innocent little hearts want to and that's a pretty awesome thing!

Also, can they please stop growing (all the teary eyed emojis)

I'm a yeller

With the loudness that twins bring the minute they come home the noise level in your house goes up without warning. My husband and I are already "loud" people, but yelling wasn't really our thing.

However, I became a yeller.

I'm not proud of yelling. In fact, the days I yell more, I feel less about myself as a person and mom. How does these littles make me lose my cool so dang fast?

I think that's what gets me the most, is my lack of control over these little people who are supposed to be listening to me. I notice however, the more I yell, the less they listen. Sad face. My biggest job in life right now is to raise respectful, kind and happy little men. When I yell, I feel like my message is getting lost.

Honestly, I know they are good boys, I'm proud of the job we've done so far. I also know they are three and I will have days that I'm lacking control over them but mostly my own self control.

The moments I need to control myself most are teaching moments for my boys. When I yell, I'm missing the mark. All they hear are loud words and not the lesson I am trying to teach them.

This has been heavy on my heart but I read an article last night that resonated so well with me.
Read it here :Hands Free Mama

I've been praying a lot lately for patience with my sweet boys in our normal day to day activities. It's their job, so to speak, to push my buttons. They are learning boundaries as well as teaching me a thing or two. God entrusted these two sweet boys to my husband and I. I want to make Him proud. I want to stop yelling and instead take a breath and speak kindly.

If you are struggling with this too, whether it's with your kids, spouse or other family members, remember you get more with sweet than you do with sour. The response is much better when you're kind. It takes work and the change won't happen in one day, but day by day it will get easier and it will eventually be your habit to react calmly instead of with a loud voice.

Due Date

My sister text me yesterday "happy boys due day!"

I love it, because it is such a special day even though the boys came a lot earlier than they were supposed to. It's a day (or roundabout time) that signifies when our family was going to grow by two! So much was going to change.

The second we heard "there are two babies" we knew that my pregnancy more than likely wouldn't go to 40 weeks. The magic number with twins is usually 38 weeks. Every single day they are in is crucial. When you get that due date from the doctor, the count down is on.

My countdown went a little like this:

 April 3, 2013, due date.

Twins. Panic. Anxiety with OCD throughout my pregnancy. Just get through this. You can do it. Oh my gosh you're having two babies. Doctors appointments every two weeks with ultrasounds. Babies are okay. Genetic counseling because I have a blood mutation (MTHFR-no I'm not saying mother effer, haha) and my brother has a cleft lip and pallet. Babies both developing perfect. Blood pressure getting higher at every appointment from 30 weeks on. C-section date picked which caused more anxiety because the date picked for me by my doctor was the date my friend had passed away the year prior. Baby shower in January. Our gifts sat in our front room until February 23, 2013.

We woke up, my husband got us doughnuts and we worked all day long putting our gifts away, storing diapers in their places and cleaning tiny, sweet, matching baby clothes. We had a tax appointment that afternoon so after a long day of working, and not eating, I was showering knowing we would be getting food on the way. I stepped out of the shower felt a crazy amount of pressure and my water broke.

Did my water break? It's too early, the babies aren't supposed to be here for two more months. Yeah, that's my water. Oh my gosh. What do I do? It's too early, it's too early...

I was terrified. Long story super short, my boys came at 34 weeks and 3 days. Weighing 4 pound 10 ounces and 4 pounds 6 ounces. I had to be on magnesium when I delivered them, which affected them. I was extremely sick after delivery and I'm missing the majority of the first 24 hours of their lives. They were life flighted away from me. The fact they didn't make it to their due date was so scary to me. We didn't know what that meant.

Thank God I can say they are happy, healthy and crazy three year old little boys. Doing everything they should be doing. Pushing my buttons, fighting, playing and teaching me endless lessons everyday. I am so thankful for them. Our start was scary but what a blessing.

So happy due date boys. We love you so much!