3 is the magical age...Until It's Not

Forgive me, friends for being MIA. I've been in a funk and had some major writers block. I find myself perpetually exhausted, but what momma isn't? The boys keep me on my toes constantly. One day they are best friends and the next I am playing referee all day.

The boys are 3 years old and five months. The first four months of them being three was awesome. They can really talk to me, we can have conversations and their imaginations are incredible! These things all lead me to believe I was over the hard stuff, but do you know what else comes with all of these fun changes? The voice to really talk back, the mentality of "no, I'm not your robot" and for some reason the noise decibels have gone up in my house. I love these little boys of mine like crazy, but my goodness, three years old is hard.

I had heard of the dreaded threenager years, and had been told that threes were worse than twos. It's not so much that threes are worse, they are just challenging on a different level. For the reason that I have twins who have completely different personalities, I feel like I am constantly trying to stay ahead of the next melt down, shenanigan or whatever might take place in the day of a three year old. At the end of the day, I'm flustered, not because my boys were misbehaved (at least not most of the time, ha) but because they have their own agendas and I DON'T LIKE IT.

Then again I don't want them to be little robots (although when they are running around my legs at the store, how nice would that be?),  I want them to speak up (when necessary), be kind and polite without prompting, and I want them to have the ability to make their own decisions. Yes, I know they are three and they still need to follow my rules, no one knows this or enforces this as much as I do, but I want them to be outgoing and comfortable in the world. I just pray that what my husband I have taught them thus far sticks and they continue to grow into amazing young men.

In the meantime, I'll keep pushing through these threes and continue to teach my little crazies to be respectful little boys even if they don't care for me at times, because I love them more than they know and I was given the most important job when God chose my to be their mommy.

It's for the Kids

So Monday we took a trip to the beach. A lesson I learned early on as a mom was things that look like fun with kids, are a crazy amount of work! Fun? Yes! Relaxing? NO!

I'm a sit in a chair or lay on a towel kind of gal, I like the ocean and getting my feet wet, but I don't feel a crazy urge to be one with the waves. Well, Roo feels about 100% different about the ocean and thinks he should launch himself into freezing cold waters at any given opportunity. Needless to say my chair was lonely for the majority of the day, but I had a blast. Seeing my boys' smiles as they played in the waves with Grammy, searched for sand crabs with me and built sand castles with their auntie made my day.

This picture of my mom and CJ is the best :) 

Scoping out his mad dash into the ocean

Mommy, will you find sand crabs wiff me? 

And these pictures at the very end tell a very big story about what moms will do to ensure their littles have everything they need when away from the house. What you can't tell from these pictures is how steep this "ramp" was to pull our wagons back up. My cousin had her 3 month old strapped to her, pulling her wagon loaded down with all of her essentials while I had my wagon loaded with just as much stuff and a chair strapped to my back...we were laughing so hard. I felt like we belonged on one of those meme cards about motherhood. So I went ahead and made one...

Soooo accurate at the end of a long, exhausting day. Why do we do this? It's for the kiddos. Everything I do, is for them, for their memories, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

My Attempt at Being Bloggy

My good friend has been blogging for quite a few years now. She blogs about fashion and she does not get too personal, which I love. I feel like that is not so easy to do in the blog world. People like personal. But people also love fashion, and my girlfriend knows fashion. I am not so gifted in that area. When she approached me to write a guest post for her blog my first thought was, heck yeah! Then I immediately thought, what if her readers don't like my stuff? I'm NOT fashion forward at all. We are talking jeans and a black top type of girl right here. If I'm feeling really crazy I will throw in a fancy pair of shoes and maayybbee a different necklace than my cross. I know, I know, risk taker right here, ladies.

In attempts to be bloggy, I thought I would do my best to be creative with pictures like she is and other fashion blogs I've seen. Lo and behold, clever pictures are not my forté either. However, I got some cute ones with the boys. I am really excited to write a guest post on her blog. She left it completely open to me as far as what I write on. I will keep you guys updated on when my post will be featured on beautygirl24. For now, here are a couple attempts at taking blog pictures.

Similar Floral Kimono//Similar Jeans// Black Tank

Similar Brown Cowboy Boots//Similar Black Cowboy Boots//Similar Brown Boots

A cute little side story: We were going to a Western themed birthday party for our friend's son. The boys were in desperate need for some new boots. I called the store to see if they had two pair of the same boots and the same size to avoid any qualms. Of course they did not. So I let the boys choose the colors they wanted which worked out because there was only one black pair and one brown pair. I always dress them in the same outfits and when I don't, it's melt down city, I was shocked they wanted something not matching, but at the same time I loved it! The boys were so excited about their little buddy's hoedown and that they were getting "brand new boots" they barely napped that day, which we paid for later. All in all it was an awesome day. They had fun with their buddy and all they want to wear is their brand new boots. 

A Little Update

Hi my amazing followers, all three of you! ;) I know I have been MIA for a bit. I love having my hubby home, however our schedule has gotten a little off track. Every extra moment I have (read: nap times and bed time) I'm catching up on Breaking Bad with my husband. I know we are a few years late, but hey we finally got hooked! So I fell way behind on my blogging. I'm not complaining though, I am loving this extra time with him.

Before his accident he was working 60+ hours including Saturdays. It was hard. Our family was missing our main man. I was missing my hubby and felt like a single parent for a good portion of the week. It goes without saying those hours were wearing on us. He was exhausted all of the time and the boys missed their daddy. We were good but in reflection I realize how moody I was toward him and the boys. We were pushing through, and kept saying "this isn't forever".

Sometimes, life events like this can drive a couple apart. There have been little events over the past few weeks that could have resulted in fights. We have been together for 10 years, but never spent this much uninterrupted time together. The good news? We still like each other! Woohoo! Husband and wife for the win! Instead of letting little frustrations of this situation drive us apart, we've used it to bring us closer and even though this hasn't been easy I am thankful. Thankful for this time with him. Thankful my boys have gotten so much time with their daddy. I am so thankful for the fun memories we have made as a family over the last 6 weeks.

Keeping the Faith

Being a Christian doesn't mean that because you have faith life events are easy to deal with. It's easy to have faith when things are wonderful and there are no trials in your life. However, when you throw in some trials, keeping the faith sometimes becomes a challenge. 

I've been a Christ follower all of my life. Of course, as an adult you understand what that mean on a deeper level, but I have alway believed that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. It wasn't until I became an adult though, that I really understood what it meant to lean on Him when I couldn't see through the storm. Trials look different for each person, and I cannot say I've had horrible life experiences, because I truly haven't, but that doesn't mean trials in my life haven't been hard or painful. 

When my parents divorced after 25 years of marriage it rocked my world. As the child, it came out of the blue. It was hard. It hurt. My foundation was shattered. I felt betrayed. However, through that hard time my faith grew and is still growing years later. 

When my twins were born early, I struggled in my faith. Not that I blamed God for what we had been through but I felt so far from Him. I asked for prayers, I felt peace but I couldn't pray myself. I felt unheard. The two years following their birth I struggled. Church felt impossible, we tried to go and it was so hard. They were exclusively breast fed. Have you tried nursing twins in public? Yeah not easy.  I was (as my cousin once said) perpetually exhausted. We rarely left the comfort of our home or my mom's house. The disconnect grew. 

I longed for my soul to be fed but I wasn't getting it.

Finally at the end of 2015 we started going back to church and found our church home. We joined a community group/ bible study together and it's been awesome for our faith. Just a few weeks ago we went over James 1:2-4 

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 

This verse made me reflect back on my times when I was struggling and how I let my faith alter. I ALWAYS believed, that was never my issue but my relationship with the Lord was stagnant. I wasn't being fed because I wasn't seeking Him. However, He was always working in me even when I felt far from Him. 

Our family is facing some things that aren't easy, some unknowns for the future and changes. It's not easy. It would be easier to turn inward, put our noses down and grind on, but I don't want to. I know that when I face trials and I turn from the Lord my life is that much harder, but when I lean on Him and KNOW He has a better plan at the end of this hard time, it's makes these trials easier to walk through. 

That's not to say I'm not stressed, that I'm not grumpy and that I'm full of joy all the time because I'm definitely not. Ask my husband, ha! However I know everything will be okay. There is a light in Him and everything will be okay. 

We've All Been There

I dubbed it the great Disneyland Bathroom Tantrum of 2016. 

I really thought I had made it past the tantrums in public stage unscathed. I mean, I have twins and never had to deal with a public meltdown before. Mom win! I've never really given the boys the opportunity; they've been contained when we go in stores avoiding the random grabbing of all the things and the fight to put the things back, I always make sure we go out after naps or waaaay before, and I always have a snack to keep them occupied.  

Well this day, the stars aligned and I failed on all my survival tactics. The massive tantrum began and lasted for 15 minutes. I yelled, I whisper yelled (you know that wonderful clenching of the teeth while you practically growl at your child to listen? Yeah, I did that), I pleaded, I threatened to leave Disneyland all together. 

Nothing worked. 

I had to ride it out and let him do his thing. While I did my very best not to throw my own personal tantrum. I felt judged. Some mothers looked at me with the "oh sweetie, I've been there" and I felt the "control your child" stares. Made up or not I felt it.  

Before I had kids, I was the one who heard a kid in public throwing a tantrum and thought "ugh control your kid, mine will NEVER do that in public". I'm embarrassed to admit that, and I really hope I'm not the only one who has been humbled by having their very own tantrum throwers. But when I became a mom I quickly realized that you really have no control of these little beings what so ever. These amazing people you brought into the world are individuals, they are unique, they are their own person, and they are sometimes completely out of control. You can definitely shape them by teaching them your ways but every now and then their own ideas come out (oh my!). Whether it's by a lack of communication skills or a lack of understanding their feelings sometime the only way they feel a release is by kicking and screaming.  

When we see this happening we need to offer grace to these kiddos and their parents. Our kids are not perfect and we certainly are not either. We cannot hold kids and parents to these standards of perfection. When you see that momma struggling maybe ask if you can help or encourage her by telling her "I've been there" or if she looks to flustered, say a prayer for her momma heart. 

Because we have all been there and if you haven't maybe there is another battle that you have to face as a parent. We all need to give each other grace and most of all, ourselves. 

Today I was a major B

Funny title right? It's all I could think of. This week has been hard, my routine with the boys has been a little different, my poor husband has been sleeping on the couch because it is the only place he can prop up his arm, and the boys are not sleeping well...plus a gazillion other things.

So naturally, I was not a nice mommy or wife this morning. If I was married to any less of a man this day could have gone really sour, but instead he let me throw my adult tantrum all morning while we shopped until I got sleep after the boys went down. Before I closed my eyes, I prayed. I was so upset for my behavior. I was upset that my routine was off. I was upset I let my selfish nature get in the way of graciously taking care of my husband. I was a being a B and I knew it.

I woke up refreshed and apologized. My husband sweetly told me I was being "difficult". I was reminded that although our marriage is truly amazing, it is so easy for our selfish nature to get in the middle. Everything I was upset about this morning was because my normal was off. But what about his? How is he feeling not being able to work, or constantly having to hear me say "babe, don't do that" or "you should rest"? I know he is struggling. He hates that he cannot be back at work not only for our family, but because his work crew depends on him. He hasn't been rude to me though.

*I hang my head*

Ashamed.

I am quickly reminded that admitting my wrong and letting him tell me how I was acting without getting too offended we were able to move right along with our evening. I'm in a better mood because I got to confide in him how I am feeling and this small hiccup brought us closer. These next two weeks will be hard. They will be an adjustment. Together we can get through this little crazy blip in our regularly scheduled programs.

Moral of the story? Be thankful for your spouse. Don't let your selfish nature get in the way, most often times the issue comes from yourself and not your spouse. Believe it or not, your spouse does like you, and does know when you're struggling. Let them love you and let them support you. Sometimes they know more about you, than you know about yourself. Be kind. Be honest. Be vulnerable. That's when the Lord is working on your heart and opening a new door.

Let Them Help Part Two

Hi friends, what a whirlwind of a past weekend/week it has been. My husband was hurt in a dirt bike crash over the weekend while we were in Bakersfield visiting some great friends of ours. He is okay, thank God, and we know just how easily it could have been a different outcome. Accidents happen and that is exactly what this was. He wasn't riding over his head, he wasn't being reckless, it was an accident and we are so thankful that it was only his wrist that was broken.

I am pretty sure if any of you reading have a love one who participates in an extreme sport you know there are only a couple phone calls you can expect to get and at what time. There is the "we are done and heading back safe" call and there is the "I'm hurt" call. I'm still coming off of the adrenaline and worries of this weekend. A helicopter, ambulance ride, 5 hour stint in the ER, one wrist reset, a two hour surgery and two night hospital stay later, we finally got to head home.

From the second I got the call I was getting support. My girlfriend and I had been at the zoo with our littles when the call came. As I started freaking out because I didn't know if he was injured worse or where exactly he was, she just kept saying "breath, stay calm, it will be okay" and immediately started making phone calls of her own to her dad and uncle who dropped whatever it was they were doing to do their best to get to my husband. Her husband, who was with my husband, handled it so well, made all the right phone calls and made sure that my husband got to where he needed to safely.

The whole day felt like slow motion. I wasn't home, and my normal call to my mom to help didn't feel like an option. I knew that I didn't want to bring the boys to the hospital with all of the unknowns. So on top of her two kids my friend watched my twins as I drove to the mouth of the canyon to hopefully catch the ambulance my husband was on. While I was away from the boys, my friend fed them, put them down for a nap and loved on them when I couldn't. They didn't understand completely why daddy wasn't back and why I had to leave so fast.  My mom did end up driving out to Bakersfield from Temecula to get the boys since we had a couple days ahead of us in the hospital, and I was so thankful but also felt guilty she drove all that way.

I started making phone calls to my brother in law knowing he would be a voice of reason in my other wise worried state. I let him make further phone calls to my father in law. I felt like there were so many unknowns and I was in a fog. Until I got to my hubby I just didn't know the extent. Thank God, it was just  his wrist. However, it was a compound fracture, and it required surgery that went for 2 hours. We know this could be a completely different story and that's why we say it's just his wrist, although it affects us more than it sounds like it should.

All that to say this, let people help you. I struggle with this. When I found out I was having twins I knew I would need help, but I didn't want to admit it. I felt like because they were given to me, they were mine and my husbands sole responsibility and although that is true in day to day circumstances, there is a reason that saying "it takes a village to raise a child" exists. We need to help each other out, and we need to accept help. No matter if it's a prayer you can't hear but you know someone is saying, it's an "I love you" when you are struggling, or it's a friend watching your babies while you're with your husband in the ER, accept it. It's hard, but it's letting go of what you can't control and letting others lift you up.

We were also so blessed by another sweet, selfless friend who took tim out of her busy mommy/ wife filled day, to make a meal and shop for my family. Can I do these things myself while my husband is home recovering? Yes. But what she gave me was an evening off and a few things to cross of my grocery list. She gave me a few hours to rest my worried head and heart about what the next few weeks will bring. There are no words to explain how loved that made us feel. It can be hard to accept but when you have people around you who want to help and have the heart to, let them.

Thanks again to everyone who prayed, sent messages, loved on us, called and checked in on us during this time. Through it all, my husband kept his sense of humor and kept me laughing, he is strong and brave and I am so thankful he is okay.

Let them Help

You know when your have a million things on your to do list and it's like your kids know you're under pressure? Or when you just want to vacuum without being asked a million times "mommy, me do it" because you know they won't do the same job you do? Or what about the times you are unloading the car from a grocery trip and you are shouting at the kids to just get inside while you pile 10 bags on each arm? I mean, come on, that is much easier than letting my twin three year olds take a million trips out to the car to help me unload. Right?

Wrong-o!

My mom told me once that her trick, when raising her four littles, was to let us help when we wanted. To give us jobs. It actually bought her some time to do something else or worked as an awesome distraction. My first thought when she told me this was "yeah, that's not going to happen. That would actually be the opposite of productive!" But lo and behold, my mom is a pretty smart lady.

I started letting go of controlling each situation and letting them help. I know it sounds so easy, but I think as moms we get stuck in a crunch of "this needs to be done now and just like this", I know that I do. However, when I started letting the boys help, I got more from it than I thought I would. I get to see their little faces light up when they help me carry "that super heavy bag" in from the car. I get to hear "mommy, I did it""mommy, I'm so strong""mommy, I'm a big helper". These were moments I was missing out on because I just wanted to do things quickly and my way.

I can be so selfish, and there is nothing like motherhood to teach you that lesson. So let them help, give them a job to do and build them up! Encourage them to hold a door open for a stranger and say please and thank you. Let them help empty the dishwasher even if it takes 20 minutes (side eye). Let them help, because their sweet, innocent little hearts want to and that's a pretty awesome thing!

Also, can they please stop growing (all the teary eyed emojis)

I'm a yeller

With the loudness that twins bring the minute they come home the noise level in your house goes up without warning. My husband and I are already "loud" people, but yelling wasn't really our thing.

However, I became a yeller.

I'm not proud of yelling. In fact, the days I yell more, I feel less about myself as a person and mom. How does these littles make me lose my cool so dang fast?

I think that's what gets me the most, is my lack of control over these little people who are supposed to be listening to me. I notice however, the more I yell, the less they listen. Sad face. My biggest job in life right now is to raise respectful, kind and happy little men. When I yell, I feel like my message is getting lost.

Honestly, I know they are good boys, I'm proud of the job we've done so far. I also know they are three and I will have days that I'm lacking control over them but mostly my own self control.

The moments I need to control myself most are teaching moments for my boys. When I yell, I'm missing the mark. All they hear are loud words and not the lesson I am trying to teach them.

This has been heavy on my heart but I read an article last night that resonated so well with me.
Read it here :Hands Free Mama

I've been praying a lot lately for patience with my sweet boys in our normal day to day activities. It's their job, so to speak, to push my buttons. They are learning boundaries as well as teaching me a thing or two. God entrusted these two sweet boys to my husband and I. I want to make Him proud. I want to stop yelling and instead take a breath and speak kindly.

If you are struggling with this too, whether it's with your kids, spouse or other family members, remember you get more with sweet than you do with sour. The response is much better when you're kind. It takes work and the change won't happen in one day, but day by day it will get easier and it will eventually be your habit to react calmly instead of with a loud voice.

Due Date

My sister text me yesterday "happy boys due day!"

I love it, because it is such a special day even though the boys came a lot earlier than they were supposed to. It's a day (or roundabout time) that signifies when our family was going to grow by two! So much was going to change.

The second we heard "there are two babies" we knew that my pregnancy more than likely wouldn't go to 40 weeks. The magic number with twins is usually 38 weeks. Every single day they are in is crucial. When you get that due date from the doctor, the count down is on.

My countdown went a little like this:

 April 3, 2013, due date.

Twins. Panic. Anxiety with OCD throughout my pregnancy. Just get through this. You can do it. Oh my gosh you're having two babies. Doctors appointments every two weeks with ultrasounds. Babies are okay. Genetic counseling because I have a blood mutation (MTHFR-no I'm not saying mother effer, haha) and my brother has a cleft lip and pallet. Babies both developing perfect. Blood pressure getting higher at every appointment from 30 weeks on. C-section date picked which caused more anxiety because the date picked for me by my doctor was the date my friend had passed away the year prior. Baby shower in January. Our gifts sat in our front room until February 23, 2013.

We woke up, my husband got us doughnuts and we worked all day long putting our gifts away, storing diapers in their places and cleaning tiny, sweet, matching baby clothes. We had a tax appointment that afternoon so after a long day of working, and not eating, I was showering knowing we would be getting food on the way. I stepped out of the shower felt a crazy amount of pressure and my water broke.

Did my water break? It's too early, the babies aren't supposed to be here for two more months. Yeah, that's my water. Oh my gosh. What do I do? It's too early, it's too early...

I was terrified. Long story super short, my boys came at 34 weeks and 3 days. Weighing 4 pound 10 ounces and 4 pounds 6 ounces. I had to be on magnesium when I delivered them, which affected them. I was extremely sick after delivery and I'm missing the majority of the first 24 hours of their lives. They were life flighted away from me. The fact they didn't make it to their due date was so scary to me. We didn't know what that meant.

Thank God I can say they are happy, healthy and crazy three year old little boys. Doing everything they should be doing. Pushing my buttons, fighting, playing and teaching me endless lessons everyday. I am so thankful for them. Our start was scary but what a blessing.

So happy due date boys. We love you so much!

To the moms who feel defeated

It's late at night, you finally have a chance to close your eyes after a long day, but instead of sleeping all you can hear are the amount of times you reprimanded your kids, yelled, or said no.

No, don't jump on the couch
No, we aren't going to go outside right now
No, don't hit your brother
No, don't spit
No, don't hit me
No, don't color on the wall
No, no, no, no

You feel defeated. Today was hard. You gave yourself to your babies ten times over and still want to give more, to your husband, to yourself, and then again to your babies in the middle of the night.

The thoughts are endless. What could I have done differently today?
Corrected less? Maybe, if I didn't helicopter parent, I would be less stressed? Maybe if I wasn't so strict? What if I let them do what they want? For me, all of these questions have the same answer,  I am teaching them. These things are important to me, and that is okay if they are not the same importance to another parent, but as a parent you have certain things that you hone in on.

We all have our reasons for the no's we say, for the things we do, for the manners we teach. I'm writing this to say you are not alone in this struggle mommas.

This is hard. This is exhausting. You are giving all of you to these sweet little beings that God choose for you. This is hard...

Don't beat yourself up for these extra tough days, we all have them. There are days that you feel you've found your groove and then the days you struggle all. day. long.

The most important thing to remember is that in those hard days, you are never alone. You are a good mom. You are doing the best you can. You are human! We live in a day and age that the expectations are high, or feel high because of what social media portrays. That makes an already difficult job, that much harder.

So please, don't beat yourself up over those tough days. The days all you can hear in your head at night is the negative, because your babies love you. They love you so much, and what they really need is a parent who loves them back, who takes the time to teach what is important, how to be kind and have values.

You are doing an awesome job. Don't stop teaching what is important to you. Wake up tomorrow refreshed, give extra big hugs and know this season will not last forever, but loving your babies will.

You've got this.

The Twin Bond

Yesterday the boys had an appoint to get a vaccine. I'm always honest with them as far as what will be happening while we are at the doctor, so they were aware they would be getting a shot. I just reminded them to be brave and that it is quick pinch and then it is over. Between the two of them, they decided who would be brave first. It was the sweetest thing to witness, neither one wanted to, but one agreed to go first. There was no fight, it was decided and that was that. Their bond is so incredible...I truly hope it stays this way.

We survived with minimal tears and a lunch trip to Red Robin to get some red balloons with Grammy. Now here's hoping to no reactions and healthy boys!

When Mommy Messes Up

Wow today has flown by, considering I have a head cold and have stayed in the last couple days I thought today would be rough, but these sweet boys of mine surprise me every time. They played so well all morning. I LOVE days like that!

I was able to make some phone calls, get some quotes...blah changing internet carriers is a pain! I was able to do a cute little craft for my friend's son's first birthday and set up Easter egg dying with the boys. Only...we didn't dye the eggs because once I realized the cheap plastic egg I had bought for the purpose of dying (as stated on the label) wouldn't absorb the dye, we painted. This turned out even better! The boys were so happy, and I just loved watching their faces while they were creating.

Their personalities could not be more different. CJ is clean and precise, he didn't want any white on his egg but he also didn't want to get paint all over him. While, Roo is my messy and go with the flow kid. He had paint all over his hands, it was awesome!

We used these Crayola Washable Kids Paint. You can find it here Crayola Kids Washable Paint. This stuff is so awesome. I used it for Christmas crafts this year. Cleaned up easily, goes easily onto surfaces, and mixes well! haha, see below.

Ahhh...so clean and pretty....

Do you see that messy plate in the background? My inner OCD was screaming "don't mix the colors!" But this was the best part, just watching them be creative. They were so stoked!

Our end result 

I wanted to dye eggs but when I realized that I messed up, I had to make due with what we had and the end result was better. As parents, we have these ideals of what we should be doing to keep traditions alive or to keep up with everyone else. I love to craft, but I have a hard time sitting down to craft with the boys. I get easily frustrated because I am a perfectionist, and honestly crafting or baking with kids isn't as fun as it looks sometimes. I am so happy their Easter Egg craft turned out the way it did, I got to watch and they got to be as messy as they wanted. So my "mess up" to keep an egg dying tradition alive turned into a new fun tradition of painting eggs. I'm learning to go roll with the punches ;) 

You are Beautiful

Go back to a time in your life that you felt the most beautiful or of value. When was that?

For me, my wedding day was a day I felt beautiful. My self value was placed in working, family, friendships and school.

When I became a mom, my whole world changed. I went from working woman with a degree working a nine to five,  to stay at home mom being on call 24/7. It was a huge change for me, physically and mentally. Over time, I valued myself less, I saw what other women were accomplishing and it made me happy for them, but sad for me. I was slowly losing that feeling of value on the inside. I constantly compared myself to people on IG. Well she has two kids and can do that or why don't I have the energy to workout like she does?   I LOVE being stay at home mom, but it does not come without challenges. Some women handle it wonderfully while others really struggle. I wouldn't change my circumstances, ever, but I want people, women especially, who are struggling with value and self worth to know that they are not alone.

I went through my instagram and deleted everyone I did not know. Even the ones I felt were inspirational, I would see their post and be inspired and then instantly bummed I wasn't doing the same thing in my life.  I do have to say I am in a better place now than I was even a month ago. Mentally I am not beating myself up for not being this momma who works out daily, runs her own business and keeps a working household.  Here's the thing though, God made us all so different. I don't have endless amounts of energy, some people do, and that is awesome. I am not super organized like I used to be and that's okay too. I keep my house clean, my boys fed and happy, I play with them and teach them manners. I am usually last on my roster of things to take care of but that's the season I am in.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven. 

What a great reminder that I don't have to do it all or be all right now to have value or beauty. My season is here at home, focusing on my boys, my husband and my household. I am good with that.

I am working on making time for me. Hence, this little space to share my stories, or the 20 minutes I gave myself to pump a little iron, or the nap I let myself take because I am mentally exhausted. Ladies, do what makes you happy. Love yourself. Give yourself a break that you aren't what we see all over instagram. I am not talking down on these incredible IG accounts because I think what they do is awesome, but ladies, our circumstances are different our season is different. One day you might have energy to conquer the world and the next maybe you want to sleep in and just make sure the kitchen is clean.

We need to learn to love ourselves and our seasons. Once I started to shift my focus to the fact that I am in a different season and one day I'll have my energy back I started to view myself differently. Instead of seeing this lazy, over worked and underpaid momma (aren't we all, ha!), I saw a beautiful wife, a loving friend and a devoted mother. It's not easy, but don't let what you think you aren't take away from what you really are.

You are BEAUTIFUL and you are VALUABLE.

The Rock Family

I get asked a lot if we are done having kids. As per Leif and I, yes we are. I always say if God wants us to have more then we will. However, right now we feel complete. That is a true feeling and I have many friends who don't have that feeling with their 2 or 3 or more kids, they feel that someone is missing. When we are out as a family I feel so whole. I was meant to be the mom of twin boys.

Today we were playing in the backyard and CJ made a rock family. First he collected a big rock, then a slightly smaller one and then two of similar size. I asked him who was who and he said daddy was the big rock, mommy was the smaller rock and he and his brother were the smallest rocks. He placed himself by the mommy rock and his brother by the daddy rock. My heart feels so full and so complete. 

Love me through the storm

You know that movie Frozen? It makes me want to ugly cry during the whole thing. Not because of the love the sisters share (although it is very sweet and I have sisters) but because I can relate to Elsa in so many ways. Did you know that movie is a depiction of anxiety? If you watch her actions, you can see how deeply affected and ashamed she is of her anxiety. 

When I mention anxiety, I don't mean, yikes I'm so nervous for this test. I mean panic, obsessive thoughts, irrational fears, dissociation...it can strike at any time and on different levels. Triggers for each person are different but just as intense. Unfortunately, if you have never suffered with anxiety it is incredibly hard to understand.

It is hard for the person whose brain can have a thought and move right along with their life to comprehend why someone else cannot do this. People who live with anxiety can't make the jump in their brain from thought to process and move along. We get stuck on the thought we had, whatever it may be...there are too many people here what if there is an emergency and I can't move... it's raining with wind, lightening and thunder, we are going to have a tornado...what if my kids get in an accident when I am not with them... and these irrational fears and thoughts become a mountain and before you know it we physically feel affected. People without anxiety can have these exact same thoughts and move along with their life...we cannot. IT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL.

I feel like those who do not suffer have the hardest time understanding this simple element. We don't have control over this feeling of impending doom. And comments like "just get over it" don't help, but make it worse. We already feel out of control but when it's pointed out, what that does internally to us is painful. 

Why did I choose to write this? Honestly it has been really heavy on my heart. Mental health has such a stigma attached to it. Anxiety is very much a part of mental health, and I guarantee that you know someone who lives with this.

So if you know someone suffering or living with anxiety, love them. If they want to talk to you or try to explain it, listen without too much input (some is okay), but most of all love them through this storm as Ana does with Elsa. She loved her sister even with of all the walls and fears Elsa had built up.

Getting Plugged In

I never realized how important being plugged into your church community was. Growing up, we went to church on most Sundays, I went to VBS in the summers and when we moved I started going to a youth program at a local church. However, it never went deeper than that for me as far as church involvement was concerned. I was a kid so that was probably a huge part of it, but being really plugged in to my church family was not a priority. 

Enter early adulthood I rarely went to church. I knew I loved my Savior Jesus Christ but it just was not my top priority again. I am not saying it is bad not to go to church, there are many avenues now that you can be plugged in if you can't physically be there and I think that is so awesome! However, in recent months I've learned the importance of the church community and those amazing God given relationships. 

When we had the boys, church felt impossible. We had chosen to hold off on vaccines for a bit, so I wasn't going to put them in the nursery. When we did attempt to go, we tried the mother's room. Husbands are typically not allowed but the mother who was in there nursing her baby saw that we had two babies and I needed a hand...it was so hard and we ended up leaving because we couldn't hear the message. My anxiety spiked much during those first few years of the boys' lives and it wasn't until recently I started feeling like myself again. 

Sometimes I just smile at the amazing why God works. I was feeling extremely secluded when I had the boys. Their entrance into the world was traumatizing for me, add having TWO babies to cart every where and it was just too much. I didn't do much for the first 2.5 years of the boys' lives. I never took them to the park if I was by myself, they didn't experience many things I saw my friends experiencing with their singletons. With that said, a friend of mine who I had talked to on and off over the years told me about Mother of Multiples at a local church. I so badly needed those connections, those friends who knew exactly how I was feeling, I was craving it. I can say that was the first thing that I involved myself in after the boys that really helped me get out. It gave me an excuse to leave the house and it fed a part of me that was hungry. I am so so so grateful for these women. It has been so amazing for my boys too, I just love it! As MOPs was feeding my faith I knew that I needed to start attending church more. I was feeling better but my heart was still missing something. 

Six months ago a close friend of mine told me that the pastor who performed our wedding ceremony moved to a new location...right by our house. I was ecstatic! We started attending and on the second day I was there I signed us up for a community group based on marriage. It has been a gift for us to be involved and more plugged in. My relationship with the Lord feels stronger than it has in a long time. We still have Sundays we can't go or choose not to because my husband works 6 days a week and they only family day we get is Sunday. However, being plugged into the group has been great for our spiritual walk together. It bums me out when we can't make it to our group meet ups, like today. One of our littles is sick...again. This has been the worst cold/ flu season EVER! Sick kids are part of life, busy schedules are part of life, tiredness is part of life, you have to put forth an effort to improve yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. That is why being plugged in is important! It gives you more opportunities to stay on course than fall back. We might not get to church as often as we should or could, but we are trying. We are working to grow in our spiritual walk which looks different for each person. The important thing is the sense of community, the accountability and the growth. 

So get plugged in friends! In a way that will help you grow in the Lord! Just like everything else, change takes time, but you'll notice a huge sense of love and spiritual growth when you make these connections. I am so thankful I fought through those hard days and that the Lord put friends in my life to help me find my way back. 

Know Your Tribe

Being a mom is hard. I truly don't feel that any mom will say "heck yeah, this is the easiest thing I've ever done". Having friends to cling to during those super hard days, friends who get it, who've cried over spilled milk, who have been so exhausted they can't think straight, who have sacrificed in the most loving ways for their children to be happy, who have tried to have an adult conversation with their kids around, only to be interrupted an endless amount of times and then forget what it was they were actually saying...those friends are your life savers. Your tribe.

A few weeks ago we took a trip up to my husbands home town. He went on an incredible ride along the Kern Canyon and I got the opportunity to hang out with one of my tribe members (haha). But really, this friend is one my husband grew up with and through our mom journey, she has become one of my closest friends. She, myself and another one of my best friends text each other weekly. We talk about anything from fitness to how we feel we've failed as moms or wives and everything in between. These two friends have been a saving grace. They support me, help me KNOW that I am not alone when I struggle.

Here are a couple pictures from our trip

Mt. Mesa Bike Gang

Friends walking to our favorite brewery for lunch

This chick! You would never know by our smiles and cheers but we were constantly chasing our littles around the patio of the brewery, telling them not to jump off the rocks or climb to high. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time together, but lunch with a friend when you bring the kiddos along is 100% different than going solo, even with the most well behaved kids. That's why knowing your tribe, whether they are parents or not, is so important. Cling tight to them. They will be your solid ground when your world is spinning out of control. They will tell you, that you are not alone in your day to day struggles, they will love on  you when you feel the most unlovable.

I am so thankful for my tribe of wonderful friends. Thank you for loving me and walking this crazy journey with me!

Potty Training Twin BOYS

This is a post I've been sitting on for while. I wrote it in my phone as I was in the process of potty training the boys, but never got around to posting it. My old laptop was a pain in the behind to ever turn on and use...but get me a MacBook and I'm like a whole new lady! Woohoo!

In March of 2015 I decided it was time to potty train my freshly turned two year old twin boys. Which, if you've talked to moms of boys and girls, they will usually tell you how much harder of a time they had training their boys. They had been showing me the signs a few months prior, but I wasn't ready to take on the task...I wish I would have when they first showed me signs, because when I finally decided to tackle this mountain of a task, they were kind of over it. I choose not to do the three day method, I mean, I semi attempted that ridiculousness and quickly decided it wasn't for me or for the boys. I think it is fantastic when parents have success with that method, because it sure beats 10 months of teaching! However, I just felt that since I am a stay at home mom there was no real urgency for me, plus they were on the younger side for potty training. Here is a snippet of my attempts in the beginning, I have no idea where my day one is by the way, I'm sure I just wanted to forget it ever happened:

Day two potty traing with twins

We started in the afternoon again...our morning have been really slow...so naturally they don't get dressed until later in the day. Unless we have somewhere to be. 

12:30pm get both boys in big boys pants

12:40pm spend 5 to 10 mins in the bathroom...I'm thinking I don't have the patience for this. 

12:45pm HB is naked running around the house. Sitting on all the toys...I know this is how most families potty train it's just, ya know, doesn't sit with me right that he is putting his little nakey booty all over their toys and my couch...ha! 

1pm both boys are naked and running around the house and making monkey noises. Do I live in the jungle? 😂

1:45pm we made it to nap time! No accidents! But no pee in the toilet either. I'm pretty sure HB peed as soon as the diaper went on, but at least he held it? 

3:15pm CJ is naked again. We watch Bubble Guppies with a towel on the couch 

3:30pm HB is up. We keep watching Bubble Guppies with towels

4:00pm daddy gets home. So far no accidents 

5pm...well we made it. We had to out pull-ups on 

for dinner but they didn't have any accident...so that's a plus 

6pm daddy does baths while I workout...Leif comes out to the garage and tells me HB went potty in the potty! Success!!!! He got a Reese's peice of cereal (I don't have candy in the house, and to them it's just as good) yay! I feel like one success with one reward is the bump I've been trying to get over all day! 

Day three 

I've decided to just handle this in small sections. A lot of advice said to put on undies and never look back. 

It's 8:30am we took off diapers and now they are naked. I put on their undies and then both "had to go" so they are naked again *sigh*

Both are much more interested in the toilet today though. They both want Reese's so they are trying to use the toilet...let's hope this is a start! 

No pee in the toilet but no accidents either. We took naps and then had to run to target. We get back on track after their afternoon nap 

It's 6:12: we put them in undies after dinner 

One accident .... Three feet from the toilet. Oy 

Day 4? 

Does it really count? I Honestly didn't work on it at all because we were gone. But both just peed in the toilet after bath, and both were super proud...okay tomorrow...it's on! 

So as you can see the process was a hot mess. There were many times I threw up my arms in frustration. Many times I yelled, tried time outs...I mean it was just bad. Luckily one of the boys got it before the other and once that happened it felt like a whole new ball game...I did have to take a break from it for my other son. I was just getting so frustrated and it was detrimental to our days, not worth getting as upset as I was. Three months in a diaper and two days later of retraining and he got it. 

There are still times when I am out that I feel diapers would just be easier so I don't have to run to the front of the store from the very BACK of the store just for a small tinkle. Now that they both truly get it though, my life is sooooo much easier! Only one is still in diapers at night and I am okay with that. 

Moral of the story? Know your kids, watch their signs, use what works for them and not for you. My son who picked it up faster is that kid who likes to follow rules, he is like his momma in that way. My other son is that " I do it myself" kid and I love him for that! I knew that he would do it because it was his terms not mine. I had to find ways that made it seem like it was his idea to go potty. Remember, parents, although our kids don't believe this simple fact, we are smarter than them. 

If it takes you three days or a process over ten months....you can do it!

I wanted to be everything

I've struggle so much to blog. It's not that I have nothing to say, because I do! I just worry, will what I say one day affect the boys in a way I don't want it to? Will they misinterpret things I say about parenthood? Am I saying too much, being too honest? I still haven't fully decided what direction I am going to take this blog. It started as a fitness type thing, but that quickly fell apart, like a lot of things that I have attempted since becoming a mom...which is what brings me to this blog post.

I want to be everything. I struggle so much with what social media puts out there as far as what we as moms are supposed to be. Being that I am a stay at home mom, I'm supposed to be organized, have my stuff together, but also run a side business and do all these extras. Please don't get me wrong, I look up to those mommas who have that amazing energy. I am not one of them. I neeeeeed my sleep. When the boys nap, I do too, on days I have extra energy, yay! However, most days I jut need that 20 minute power nap, and then I know I can tackle the afternoon head on.  I know one day I won't feel so exhausted, but for now, this is the stage I'm in, the running after two, almost three year olds, stopping every 2-3 minutes to answer sweet questions, break up a fight or take a picture. I LOVE staying home, but I struggle that I am not doing enough.

Before I had the boys my drive to be successful was great! I worked full time and received my Bachelors degree in Business Management. After we got married I got a new job and worked there for 2 years. During my time at this new company I realized I wanted to change fields. I wanted to become a Speech Pathologist. I began taking classes and commuting an hour once a week after working a full day. It was about 3 weeks into my class we found out I was pregnant, and then around week 5 when we found out it was twins. The drive home from my class was exhausting and late at night. Yes, count it as an excuse, I just didn't feel like it was safe for me to keep driving that time and distance during my twin pregnancy.

I had every intention on working part time after we had kids, but throw in the twin factor and daycare...that idea quickly went out the door and that was okay, really, it was. I LOVE being home with the boys, there is no where I would rather be. However, there is this drive in me that I have to do more, accomplish more, be busier....what is that?! I'm a mommy to twin boys for goodness sake, I'm pretty darn busy!

This drive to do more is strong though, I've attempted many different work from home opportunities and when I don't see the fruits of my labor flourish quickly, I am over it. I am so impatient now a days. Why? I think it's because I want something to show off. Look! I stay home and I do this and I do that. Please, my mommy friends who are reading this and have their own companies, or work full time, please know how much I admire you and I see that as a gift that God gave you! God gifted me in a different way, perfect for me. I really, really  need to accept that, and know that it is okay to not be everything and the biggest thing to realize is most moms feel this way. I want so badly to just enjoy where God has me in life right now, because one day I will miss this so incredibly much. One day, I will be busier and I will miss the busy I have now. God has gifted me with being a stay at home mommy, I might not meet the same social media expectations but I meet His and that is what matters the most.

Because at the end of the day, I am everything to two little boys and their daddy.