To the moms who feel defeated

It's late at night, you finally have a chance to close your eyes after a long day, but instead of sleeping all you can hear are the amount of times you reprimanded your kids, yelled, or said no.

No, don't jump on the couch
No, we aren't going to go outside right now
No, don't hit your brother
No, don't spit
No, don't hit me
No, don't color on the wall
No, no, no, no

You feel defeated. Today was hard. You gave yourself to your babies ten times over and still want to give more, to your husband, to yourself, and then again to your babies in the middle of the night.

The thoughts are endless. What could I have done differently today?
Corrected less? Maybe, if I didn't helicopter parent, I would be less stressed? Maybe if I wasn't so strict? What if I let them do what they want? For me, all of these questions have the same answer,  I am teaching them. These things are important to me, and that is okay if they are not the same importance to another parent, but as a parent you have certain things that you hone in on.

We all have our reasons for the no's we say, for the things we do, for the manners we teach. I'm writing this to say you are not alone in this struggle mommas.

This is hard. This is exhausting. You are giving all of you to these sweet little beings that God choose for you. This is hard...

Don't beat yourself up for these extra tough days, we all have them. There are days that you feel you've found your groove and then the days you struggle all. day. long.

The most important thing to remember is that in those hard days, you are never alone. You are a good mom. You are doing the best you can. You are human! We live in a day and age that the expectations are high, or feel high because of what social media portrays. That makes an already difficult job, that much harder.

So please, don't beat yourself up over those tough days. The days all you can hear in your head at night is the negative, because your babies love you. They love you so much, and what they really need is a parent who loves them back, who takes the time to teach what is important, how to be kind and have values.

You are doing an awesome job. Don't stop teaching what is important to you. Wake up tomorrow refreshed, give extra big hugs and know this season will not last forever, but loving your babies will.

You've got this.

The Twin Bond

Yesterday the boys had an appoint to get a vaccine. I'm always honest with them as far as what will be happening while we are at the doctor, so they were aware they would be getting a shot. I just reminded them to be brave and that it is quick pinch and then it is over. Between the two of them, they decided who would be brave first. It was the sweetest thing to witness, neither one wanted to, but one agreed to go first. There was no fight, it was decided and that was that. Their bond is so incredible...I truly hope it stays this way.

We survived with minimal tears and a lunch trip to Red Robin to get some red balloons with Grammy. Now here's hoping to no reactions and healthy boys!

When Mommy Messes Up

Wow today has flown by, considering I have a head cold and have stayed in the last couple days I thought today would be rough, but these sweet boys of mine surprise me every time. They played so well all morning. I LOVE days like that!

I was able to make some phone calls, get some quotes...blah changing internet carriers is a pain! I was able to do a cute little craft for my friend's son's first birthday and set up Easter egg dying with the boys. Only...we didn't dye the eggs because once I realized the cheap plastic egg I had bought for the purpose of dying (as stated on the label) wouldn't absorb the dye, we painted. This turned out even better! The boys were so happy, and I just loved watching their faces while they were creating.

Their personalities could not be more different. CJ is clean and precise, he didn't want any white on his egg but he also didn't want to get paint all over him. While, Roo is my messy and go with the flow kid. He had paint all over his hands, it was awesome!

We used these Crayola Washable Kids Paint. You can find it here Crayola Kids Washable Paint. This stuff is so awesome. I used it for Christmas crafts this year. Cleaned up easily, goes easily onto surfaces, and mixes well! haha, see below.

Ahhh...so clean and pretty....

Do you see that messy plate in the background? My inner OCD was screaming "don't mix the colors!" But this was the best part, just watching them be creative. They were so stoked!

Our end result 

I wanted to dye eggs but when I realized that I messed up, I had to make due with what we had and the end result was better. As parents, we have these ideals of what we should be doing to keep traditions alive or to keep up with everyone else. I love to craft, but I have a hard time sitting down to craft with the boys. I get easily frustrated because I am a perfectionist, and honestly crafting or baking with kids isn't as fun as it looks sometimes. I am so happy their Easter Egg craft turned out the way it did, I got to watch and they got to be as messy as they wanted. So my "mess up" to keep an egg dying tradition alive turned into a new fun tradition of painting eggs. I'm learning to go roll with the punches ;) 

You are Beautiful

Go back to a time in your life that you felt the most beautiful or of value. When was that?

For me, my wedding day was a day I felt beautiful. My self value was placed in working, family, friendships and school.

When I became a mom, my whole world changed. I went from working woman with a degree working a nine to five,  to stay at home mom being on call 24/7. It was a huge change for me, physically and mentally. Over time, I valued myself less, I saw what other women were accomplishing and it made me happy for them, but sad for me. I was slowly losing that feeling of value on the inside. I constantly compared myself to people on IG. Well she has two kids and can do that or why don't I have the energy to workout like she does?   I LOVE being stay at home mom, but it does not come without challenges. Some women handle it wonderfully while others really struggle. I wouldn't change my circumstances, ever, but I want people, women especially, who are struggling with value and self worth to know that they are not alone.

I went through my instagram and deleted everyone I did not know. Even the ones I felt were inspirational, I would see their post and be inspired and then instantly bummed I wasn't doing the same thing in my life.  I do have to say I am in a better place now than I was even a month ago. Mentally I am not beating myself up for not being this momma who works out daily, runs her own business and keeps a working household.  Here's the thing though, God made us all so different. I don't have endless amounts of energy, some people do, and that is awesome. I am not super organized like I used to be and that's okay too. I keep my house clean, my boys fed and happy, I play with them and teach them manners. I am usually last on my roster of things to take care of but that's the season I am in.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven. 

What a great reminder that I don't have to do it all or be all right now to have value or beauty. My season is here at home, focusing on my boys, my husband and my household. I am good with that.

I am working on making time for me. Hence, this little space to share my stories, or the 20 minutes I gave myself to pump a little iron, or the nap I let myself take because I am mentally exhausted. Ladies, do what makes you happy. Love yourself. Give yourself a break that you aren't what we see all over instagram. I am not talking down on these incredible IG accounts because I think what they do is awesome, but ladies, our circumstances are different our season is different. One day you might have energy to conquer the world and the next maybe you want to sleep in and just make sure the kitchen is clean.

We need to learn to love ourselves and our seasons. Once I started to shift my focus to the fact that I am in a different season and one day I'll have my energy back I started to view myself differently. Instead of seeing this lazy, over worked and underpaid momma (aren't we all, ha!), I saw a beautiful wife, a loving friend and a devoted mother. It's not easy, but don't let what you think you aren't take away from what you really are.

You are BEAUTIFUL and you are VALUABLE.

The Rock Family

I get asked a lot if we are done having kids. As per Leif and I, yes we are. I always say if God wants us to have more then we will. However, right now we feel complete. That is a true feeling and I have many friends who don't have that feeling with their 2 or 3 or more kids, they feel that someone is missing. When we are out as a family I feel so whole. I was meant to be the mom of twin boys.

Today we were playing in the backyard and CJ made a rock family. First he collected a big rock, then a slightly smaller one and then two of similar size. I asked him who was who and he said daddy was the big rock, mommy was the smaller rock and he and his brother were the smallest rocks. He placed himself by the mommy rock and his brother by the daddy rock. My heart feels so full and so complete. 

Love me through the storm

You know that movie Frozen? It makes me want to ugly cry during the whole thing. Not because of the love the sisters share (although it is very sweet and I have sisters) but because I can relate to Elsa in so many ways. Did you know that movie is a depiction of anxiety? If you watch her actions, you can see how deeply affected and ashamed she is of her anxiety. 

When I mention anxiety, I don't mean, yikes I'm so nervous for this test. I mean panic, obsessive thoughts, irrational fears, dissociation...it can strike at any time and on different levels. Triggers for each person are different but just as intense. Unfortunately, if you have never suffered with anxiety it is incredibly hard to understand.

It is hard for the person whose brain can have a thought and move right along with their life to comprehend why someone else cannot do this. People who live with anxiety can't make the jump in their brain from thought to process and move along. We get stuck on the thought we had, whatever it may be...there are too many people here what if there is an emergency and I can't move... it's raining with wind, lightening and thunder, we are going to have a tornado...what if my kids get in an accident when I am not with them... and these irrational fears and thoughts become a mountain and before you know it we physically feel affected. People without anxiety can have these exact same thoughts and move along with their life...we cannot. IT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL.

I feel like those who do not suffer have the hardest time understanding this simple element. We don't have control over this feeling of impending doom. And comments like "just get over it" don't help, but make it worse. We already feel out of control but when it's pointed out, what that does internally to us is painful. 

Why did I choose to write this? Honestly it has been really heavy on my heart. Mental health has such a stigma attached to it. Anxiety is very much a part of mental health, and I guarantee that you know someone who lives with this.

So if you know someone suffering or living with anxiety, love them. If they want to talk to you or try to explain it, listen without too much input (some is okay), but most of all love them through this storm as Ana does with Elsa. She loved her sister even with of all the walls and fears Elsa had built up.

Getting Plugged In

I never realized how important being plugged into your church community was. Growing up, we went to church on most Sundays, I went to VBS in the summers and when we moved I started going to a youth program at a local church. However, it never went deeper than that for me as far as church involvement was concerned. I was a kid so that was probably a huge part of it, but being really plugged in to my church family was not a priority. 

Enter early adulthood I rarely went to church. I knew I loved my Savior Jesus Christ but it just was not my top priority again. I am not saying it is bad not to go to church, there are many avenues now that you can be plugged in if you can't physically be there and I think that is so awesome! However, in recent months I've learned the importance of the church community and those amazing God given relationships. 

When we had the boys, church felt impossible. We had chosen to hold off on vaccines for a bit, so I wasn't going to put them in the nursery. When we did attempt to go, we tried the mother's room. Husbands are typically not allowed but the mother who was in there nursing her baby saw that we had two babies and I needed a hand...it was so hard and we ended up leaving because we couldn't hear the message. My anxiety spiked much during those first few years of the boys' lives and it wasn't until recently I started feeling like myself again. 

Sometimes I just smile at the amazing why God works. I was feeling extremely secluded when I had the boys. Their entrance into the world was traumatizing for me, add having TWO babies to cart every where and it was just too much. I didn't do much for the first 2.5 years of the boys' lives. I never took them to the park if I was by myself, they didn't experience many things I saw my friends experiencing with their singletons. With that said, a friend of mine who I had talked to on and off over the years told me about Mother of Multiples at a local church. I so badly needed those connections, those friends who knew exactly how I was feeling, I was craving it. I can say that was the first thing that I involved myself in after the boys that really helped me get out. It gave me an excuse to leave the house and it fed a part of me that was hungry. I am so so so grateful for these women. It has been so amazing for my boys too, I just love it! As MOPs was feeding my faith I knew that I needed to start attending church more. I was feeling better but my heart was still missing something. 

Six months ago a close friend of mine told me that the pastor who performed our wedding ceremony moved to a new location...right by our house. I was ecstatic! We started attending and on the second day I was there I signed us up for a community group based on marriage. It has been a gift for us to be involved and more plugged in. My relationship with the Lord feels stronger than it has in a long time. We still have Sundays we can't go or choose not to because my husband works 6 days a week and they only family day we get is Sunday. However, being plugged into the group has been great for our spiritual walk together. It bums me out when we can't make it to our group meet ups, like today. One of our littles is sick...again. This has been the worst cold/ flu season EVER! Sick kids are part of life, busy schedules are part of life, tiredness is part of life, you have to put forth an effort to improve yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. That is why being plugged in is important! It gives you more opportunities to stay on course than fall back. We might not get to church as often as we should or could, but we are trying. We are working to grow in our spiritual walk which looks different for each person. The important thing is the sense of community, the accountability and the growth. 

So get plugged in friends! In a way that will help you grow in the Lord! Just like everything else, change takes time, but you'll notice a huge sense of love and spiritual growth when you make these connections. I am so thankful I fought through those hard days and that the Lord put friends in my life to help me find my way back. 

Know Your Tribe

Being a mom is hard. I truly don't feel that any mom will say "heck yeah, this is the easiest thing I've ever done". Having friends to cling to during those super hard days, friends who get it, who've cried over spilled milk, who have been so exhausted they can't think straight, who have sacrificed in the most loving ways for their children to be happy, who have tried to have an adult conversation with their kids around, only to be interrupted an endless amount of times and then forget what it was they were actually saying...those friends are your life savers. Your tribe.

A few weeks ago we took a trip up to my husbands home town. He went on an incredible ride along the Kern Canyon and I got the opportunity to hang out with one of my tribe members (haha). But really, this friend is one my husband grew up with and through our mom journey, she has become one of my closest friends. She, myself and another one of my best friends text each other weekly. We talk about anything from fitness to how we feel we've failed as moms or wives and everything in between. These two friends have been a saving grace. They support me, help me KNOW that I am not alone when I struggle.

Here are a couple pictures from our trip

Mt. Mesa Bike Gang

Friends walking to our favorite brewery for lunch

This chick! You would never know by our smiles and cheers but we were constantly chasing our littles around the patio of the brewery, telling them not to jump off the rocks or climb to high. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time together, but lunch with a friend when you bring the kiddos along is 100% different than going solo, even with the most well behaved kids. That's why knowing your tribe, whether they are parents or not, is so important. Cling tight to them. They will be your solid ground when your world is spinning out of control. They will tell you, that you are not alone in your day to day struggles, they will love on  you when you feel the most unlovable.

I am so thankful for my tribe of wonderful friends. Thank you for loving me and walking this crazy journey with me!