We decided pretty soon after the boys were born that we were done having children. After my pregnancy ended sooner than expected, my pregnancy induced hypertention, the boys being in the NICU and the possibility of me having twins again, we felt it was best to not have more. My mom has always said she didn't feel like our family was completed until she had my youngest sister. Once they brought her home, they were a complete family. I feel like our little family is very complete, I don't feel like we are missing a person, so this works out great for us! If God blesses us with another, of course I will love that baby just the same and I can bet I will feel VERY complete, and a bit crazy! Haha!
With that said, knowing that I am done having babies means I've had to say goodbye to baby stages as they come and then go. There is a part of me that is sad I only got to experience certain things once, but times two. Ha! A neighbor at my mom's house (who has twins) put it perfectly. She said "when you have twins, and only twins, you go through each stage like everyone else, but you only experience it once, you are inundated with it, but you only get it once. Singleton families get to experience those baby stages a second time, third time etc". She put my thoughts into words so perfectly. I was feeling like I was missing something but couldn't put my finger on it until she said that. Of course, every family is different, some want more and can't have more, some have several, some have one, the thing is, we all go through letting the baby stage go, and it's sad.
My babies are toddlers, they need me, but not the same way as they used to. The sweet little baby noises, nursing, baby food making etc. I got it, and I got a lot of it, but I only got it once. I am okay with that! Just like when you wean your baby from nursing, there is a part of you that is sad that very hard, but very amazing part of your life and relationship with your baby is over.
I used to stand in the kitchen and be so frustrated that making their food took me so long. Like I wasn't tired enough? Then they would go through 10 jars of baby food in what felt like 3 days! Or that nursing them took two of us to get me set up. Diapers changes took twice as long and I had two reflux babies. Those responsibilities as a mom have changed. I've had to let the baby stage go.... Now, I miss those days. I see these little babies, hanging out in their boppies or in their swings and although those first months with the boys were very hard, I miss that too. Do I want to do it again? Oh no, haha! However, I miss it a lot.
So take it in. Take in the stress, the cries, the first baby giggles, the baths, the numerous diaper and outfit changes, take in those baby moments and if and when you get to do it again, love every moment, because it goes way too fast! It is so easy to get caught up in trying to survive somedays, that it is so important to remember you will blink and these sweet babies will be big kids.
~Nicole
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
What it means to have twins...
So I've been wanting to write a post about what it means to have twins. I hear comments a lot that I usually take with a grain of salt, but whether or not the comments are meant to be funny sometimes the truth that is behind them can sting.
Having two babies at once is hard. I enjoy it very, very much, and my boys are the light of my life, however, having two at once make it hard for me to do "normal" mom things with my children. I'm writing this post because I actually stumbled across one similar at We Have Twins blog. I might reiterate a little of what she said because it was so spot on, and I wanted to write this so other multiple mommies know that you are not alone, with the good and more trying things ;)
From the beginning:
So there you have it. A small tidbit of what life is like with twins. These aren't meant to be negative, it's just my truth to how my life is with my boys. It's hard but worth it, and I would do it a thousand times over.
Having two babies at once is hard. I enjoy it very, very much, and my boys are the light of my life, however, having two at once make it hard for me to do "normal" mom things with my children. I'm writing this post because I actually stumbled across one similar at We Have Twins blog. I might reiterate a little of what she said because it was so spot on, and I wanted to write this so other multiple mommies know that you are not alone, with the good and more trying things ;)
From the beginning:
- Being preggers with twins means high risk immediately.
- More ultrasounds :) woohoo! Who doesn't love seeing there baby grow?
- More weight gain during pregnancy.
- The higher chance your littles will be premature and you'll experience the NICU
- Needing double everything (diapers, wipes, cribs, carseats, etc.)
- Getting to feel double the hiccups (my favorite thing)
- Tandem nursing (hard at first but pretty darn cool)
- Getting asked a lot of personal questions
- Hearing a lot of comments about twins
- Two babies means more babies to hold when you have visitors
- Double diaper duty (do you have any idea how hard it is to change a diaper when your other child is grabbing at his sibling, because you have barricaded him in his crib so you know where he is at? haha! TRUTH)
- I always make sure I am giving even attention to each baby (or at least try my hardest), so no one feels left out.
- Milestones. I have to remember that all babies are different, so just because they are twins doesn't mean they will reach every milestone the same time.
- At times it is hard to comfort both the way I want to if they are upset. The bigger they get the less room there is on my lap for two (but we make it work)
- Watching the bond that is forming between my boys is amazing
- The double team me! This is funny but not really...
- When I'm shopping I have to prepare to get stopped a few times for questions and comments (I don't usually mind unless I am in a hurry)
- I get a lot of strange looks when I grocery shop because lo and behold grocery stores don't have double carts, so I push the stroller and pull the cart. Everyone make way! ;)
- I almost always have to have someone with me when I go to a place where the babies are "loose" so I have help when they run in two different directions (which is what they do)
- I haven't done mommy and me classes because I really don't think it would work for the three of us because I am only one person, this makes me sad. My sons are two completely different people needing two different types of attention and at a class I just don't have enough "me" to give both of them
- Time out with twins....lets just say is a challenge.
- Pediatrician co pays, whomp whomp
- I have TWO babies to love on all day, to love me back :)
So there you have it. A small tidbit of what life is like with twins. These aren't meant to be negative, it's just my truth to how my life is with my boys. It's hard but worth it, and I would do it a thousand times over.
My Little Sponges
There is nothing quite like being reminded of how you behave than watching your child throughout the day. These two boys are such little sponges. From the way I handle stressful situations, the way I socialize, to the way I show affection...they pick up on EVERYTHING.
When the babies were little if I got frustrated instead of yelling at whatever was frustrating me (a stubbed toe, getting peed on, dropping something) I would make this "hhmmmmggg" noise. Sounds funny, I know, but I figured doing that instead of yelling out loud would be better. So now, HB does this. It cracks me up because he kind of does it at not the right moment or he WILL do it at the right moment which makes me laugh even more. He won't like the way something turns out and he make the same "hmmmgg" noise and carries on. So funny.
My husband and I are very social people. If anyone strikes up a convo with us, we will engage. We love talking, especially him. In a good way :) My sons are following suit. I love it! Of course they are timid until I say "say hi" or "wave". They are very curious about other people. Although I do want them to be cautious and understand the dangers of strangers, I also want them to be friendly. If they don't want to say hi at least flashing a smile is nice. I love seeing that from my husband's and I example the boys are beginning to show an interest in knowing and engaging in people.
My favorite thing lately though is the random hugs. Oh melt my heart! HB and CJ will just randomly run up to me, give me a hug or a kiss and run on their merry way. I am so affectionate with my boys (as I know most parents are) and I feel like that feel they can give that same affection. Not just to me and my husband but to others. If CJ hears a child crying or sees someone that appears to be upset, he is sooo concerned. It is so sweet seeing their empathy and love towards people and I like to think I have something to do with that.
The last thing, but certainly in my eyes the most important. The boys have started praying. This makes my heart so happy. I have been praying with them for a long time and really wondered if they got it. One day I asked them to pray with me. Both of them put their hands together to pray. They stayed quiet as I said a prayer and when I said "In Jesus name, amen" HB tried to say amen. Insert heart eyed emoticon here. I melted and couldn't have been more proud.
It was at that moment I realized that they are taking in every single thing we do and say. I "knew" that all along, but now I see it. And it is amazing. At the end of a stressful day, when I see their two happy, healthy and loving smiling faces, I know that I've done something right. I am so thankful for these two children of mine and so incredibly proud to be their momma.
Until next time friends! Hopefully it won't be 2 months ;)
~Nic
When the babies were little if I got frustrated instead of yelling at whatever was frustrating me (a stubbed toe, getting peed on, dropping something) I would make this "hhmmmmggg" noise. Sounds funny, I know, but I figured doing that instead of yelling out loud would be better. So now, HB does this. It cracks me up because he kind of does it at not the right moment or he WILL do it at the right moment which makes me laugh even more. He won't like the way something turns out and he make the same "hmmmgg" noise and carries on. So funny.
My husband and I are very social people. If anyone strikes up a convo with us, we will engage. We love talking, especially him. In a good way :) My sons are following suit. I love it! Of course they are timid until I say "say hi" or "wave". They are very curious about other people. Although I do want them to be cautious and understand the dangers of strangers, I also want them to be friendly. If they don't want to say hi at least flashing a smile is nice. I love seeing that from my husband's and I example the boys are beginning to show an interest in knowing and engaging in people.
My favorite thing lately though is the random hugs. Oh melt my heart! HB and CJ will just randomly run up to me, give me a hug or a kiss and run on their merry way. I am so affectionate with my boys (as I know most parents are) and I feel like that feel they can give that same affection. Not just to me and my husband but to others. If CJ hears a child crying or sees someone that appears to be upset, he is sooo concerned. It is so sweet seeing their empathy and love towards people and I like to think I have something to do with that.
The last thing, but certainly in my eyes the most important. The boys have started praying. This makes my heart so happy. I have been praying with them for a long time and really wondered if they got it. One day I asked them to pray with me. Both of them put their hands together to pray. They stayed quiet as I said a prayer and when I said "In Jesus name, amen" HB tried to say amen. Insert heart eyed emoticon here. I melted and couldn't have been more proud.
It was at that moment I realized that they are taking in every single thing we do and say. I "knew" that all along, but now I see it. And it is amazing. At the end of a stressful day, when I see their two happy, healthy and loving smiling faces, I know that I've done something right. I am so thankful for these two children of mine and so incredibly proud to be their momma.
Until next time friends! Hopefully it won't be 2 months ;)
~Nic
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Pick something, and be good at it
When I was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian.
When I was in middle school and high school, I wanted to be a teacher.
When I was in college (starting off), I wanted to be in real estate.
When I was still in college, I wanted to be a business owner.
When I got my Bachelors in Business, I wanted to one day own and run my parent's construction company.
Right before the babies came, I had my heart set on becoming a Speech Pathologist.
Since I've had the babies, I've had all of these wonderful ideas of what I am going to do....
Make burlap art and sell it.
When I was in middle school and high school, I wanted to be a teacher.
When I was in college (starting off), I wanted to be in real estate.
When I was still in college, I wanted to be a business owner.
When I got my Bachelors in Business, I wanted to one day own and run my parent's construction company.
Right before the babies came, I had my heart set on becoming a Speech Pathologist.
Since I've had the babies, I've had all of these wonderful ideas of what I am going to do....
Make burlap art and sell it.
Make money, blogging.
Change lives selling Herbalife (which I am still pursuing).
Become a nutritionist.
Get into Real Estate.
I guess looking back the main trend is that I want to help someone or something. My heart is for helping others. It always has been. I was so excited to start school for Speech Pathology. I knew I finally found my thing, what I was meant to do. However, the classes were in Orange County, and as my pregnancy went on, the long trek late at night was becoming too dangerous for me. I was exhausted and working full time. I just knew it was better for me mentally to take a step back from school.
Change lives selling Herbalife (which I am still pursuing).
Become a nutritionist.
Get into Real Estate.
I guess looking back the main trend is that I want to help someone or something. My heart is for helping others. It always has been. I was so excited to start school for Speech Pathology. I knew I finally found my thing, what I was meant to do. However, the classes were in Orange County, and as my pregnancy went on, the long trek late at night was becoming too dangerous for me. I was exhausted and working full time. I just knew it was better for me mentally to take a step back from school.
Please don't take this post wrong... I LOVE being home with my babies. I would be broken if I had to leave them. Being a working mom just isn't for me, and I am blessed that I get to stay home with my littles...however it doesn't come without some major emotional challenges.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and something I have realized about myself is that ever since I was 16 I have worked and gone to school. Besides one time in my life, right before our wedding, I have always done both. I have cursed it and be "so stressed I can't do it anymore" (in a desperate voice), but deep down I always loved the challenge. I love learning, and knowing that I can apply what I learn. So this is new to me. I feel like I am not using my brain enough, but, I am learning that is not the case.
Before I go off on a tangent (which is where the next paragraphs went until I deleted them, ha!), what I really want this post to be about is how to accept where you are in life. Sixteen months down the road from giving birth, you would think that I would already have this figured out, but I don't or I hadn't, until recently.
I truly believe that God calls on people to do certain things in their lives. Some people have amazing art talents, some people are great at spreading His word, some are great at saving people (medically speaking). I have been trying to find my "thing", what God has called me to do. Well, hello Nicole, I was blessed with two beautiful miracles. THAT is what my calling is, to be a stay at home momma to my boys. Maybe when they go to school, I can focus on something else, maybe not. I just need to be present and not so hooked on the future. It is great to have determination and drive and a dream, but don't get so caught up in it that you forget to live in the now.
That is something I am really working on. Living in the now, being present with my boys. Anything else is just a distraction, for me. Not everyone feels that way, and that is wonderful, but for me I just need to focus on my babes. I also need to accept that because I am stay at home mom doesn't mean that I will never have a career.
Lately, I have been so anxious, feeling that I need to take classes, I need to do this or that. "But what should I do? What is my calling?" Then I started thinking what if I just pick something I am interested in, and be good at it. Beyond being a momma, if I want to do something for extra money, or extra brain stimulation it doesn't have to be extraordinary, I am already doing something extraordinary, it can be anything that interests me. I just need to make sure I am good at it (because I am a perfectionist).
My title, just pick something and be good at it, means that sometimes we don't clearly see our calling in life. That's okay. If you can find something in life that drives you and makes you happy, put your heart into it. Maybe, just maybe that is where God wants you to be <3
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and something I have realized about myself is that ever since I was 16 I have worked and gone to school. Besides one time in my life, right before our wedding, I have always done both. I have cursed it and be "so stressed I can't do it anymore" (in a desperate voice), but deep down I always loved the challenge. I love learning, and knowing that I can apply what I learn. So this is new to me. I feel like I am not using my brain enough, but, I am learning that is not the case.
Before I go off on a tangent (which is where the next paragraphs went until I deleted them, ha!), what I really want this post to be about is how to accept where you are in life. Sixteen months down the road from giving birth, you would think that I would already have this figured out, but I don't or I hadn't, until recently.
I truly believe that God calls on people to do certain things in their lives. Some people have amazing art talents, some people are great at spreading His word, some are great at saving people (medically speaking). I have been trying to find my "thing", what God has called me to do. Well, hello Nicole, I was blessed with two beautiful miracles. THAT is what my calling is, to be a stay at home momma to my boys. Maybe when they go to school, I can focus on something else, maybe not. I just need to be present and not so hooked on the future. It is great to have determination and drive and a dream, but don't get so caught up in it that you forget to live in the now.
That is something I am really working on. Living in the now, being present with my boys. Anything else is just a distraction, for me. Not everyone feels that way, and that is wonderful, but for me I just need to focus on my babes. I also need to accept that because I am stay at home mom doesn't mean that I will never have a career.
Lately, I have been so anxious, feeling that I need to take classes, I need to do this or that. "But what should I do? What is my calling?" Then I started thinking what if I just pick something I am interested in, and be good at it. Beyond being a momma, if I want to do something for extra money, or extra brain stimulation it doesn't have to be extraordinary, I am already doing something extraordinary, it can be anything that interests me. I just need to make sure I am good at it (because I am a perfectionist).
My title, just pick something and be good at it, means that sometimes we don't clearly see our calling in life. That's okay. If you can find something in life that drives you and makes you happy, put your heart into it. Maybe, just maybe that is where God wants you to be <3
Friday, June 13, 2014
Take the time
Having twins is hectic, just as I'm sure having multiple children is. I spend most of my days just trying to survive and keep these two alive. I really, really try to have special moments with the boys...but it is hard. When I get a chance with one, the other is about to take a head dive off the couch onto the tile. Lord help me (and He has)!
Tonight I went to check on the boys before I snuck off to bed. I went to CJ's crib and he was laying on his back all sprawled out, so cute. I felt his chest move up and down and remembered a time when I had to watch through the incubator as he struggled to breathe.
I walked over to HB's crib and touched his back, this woke him. Shoot!!! I thought, if I stay really still he won't know I'm in here and I can sneak out real quick and...he sits up, smiles then crawls up the side if his crib. I couldn't resist, I picked him up, sat in the glider and rocked him. So sweet.
I thought of this sweet momma Jacqui whose blog I've been following since her three year old boy passed away, I held HB closer. I looked at his tiny hands that aren't so tiny anymore. When he came into this world his hands were so incredibly small. HB laid there with his head on my chest, loving the special time with his momma. I soaked it in and didn't want to put him down.
I thought of this sweet momma Jacqui whose blog I've been following since her three year old boy passed away, I held HB closer. I looked at his tiny hands that aren't so tiny anymore. When he came into this world his hands were so incredibly small. HB laid there with his head on my chest, loving the special time with his momma. I soaked it in and didn't want to put him down.
The truth of the matter is, I get so caught up in routines. Making sure the boys get fed by this time, are down by naps at this time, don't crack their heads open falling off the couch, don't hit each other, share and on and on, along with the other household things I should be doing during the day. These routines make me forget to stop, and enjoy. Life is too darn short. My babies are babies ONE TIME. These moments are fleeting, I know one day I'll blink and they will be graduating high school, have girlfriends, move out. Tear.
It is so important to love on your babies, no mater if they or you should be doing something else at that moment. Being a mom is the most exhausting thing I've ever done, but it is the best thing I've ever done.
Be there, be present wih your littles, because hey are only little for so long.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Things I love about being a Mommy
This totally cracked me up because this is how I felt yesterday
7am babies wake up get their milk
7:30am all madness breaks loose, the boys remember that they learned how to get on the couch...but they don't sit there, no no. They crawl, run, giggle...all the while I am trying desperately to save their little lives (and heads) so they don't fall off onto the tile. I'm now upset.
8am wrangled them into the front play room
Sometime between 8am and 9am I get us all fed, we play, I text a friend at the end of my rope because again they've gotten back on the couch. I've done timeouts, I've raised my voice (not proud). Do you have any idea how difficult time out is with twins? It's darn near impossible!
So that was JUST my morning. Pretty much all day went like that. Then CJ had a hard time falling asleep so he cried from about 7pm to I think 8:30pm he finally fell asleep, after my husband fell asleep in the rocker by their cribs.
It is safe to say, it was a hard day. My brain was fried, my emotions were fried, I was physically drained. All because I was trying to teach them it is not okay to act crazy on the couch, but also because I don't want them to get hurt on the tile. Some of you might think I am ridiculous and I should let them be crazy, but their safety was at stake.
What this post is truly about though, is not my crazy day, but what I love about being a mommy. Even on those days.
Here are a few things I love about being a mommy:
The boys will bring me their toys that they know are supposed to make noises when they won't turn on.
I love watching them learn.
I love teaching them.
I love watching their eyes light up with Daddy gets home.
I love the random hugs they will give me.
I love that when I am in the kitchen they come "check" on me, give me a sweet smile then go back to playing
I love being one of the few people who understands them.
I love that they teach me new things everyday.
I love that they run to me if something makes them uncomfortable.
I love that I am their safe place, and they are mine.
I love that they are the best parts of my husband and I, and even though they are twins they couldn't be more different.
There is so much more I love about being a mom. It grows on a daily basis.
I woke up today, renewed. I prayed all day yesterday for strength. Strength, He gave me. This morning when the boys went to the couch, instead of timeouts or yelling. I simply picked up the culprit, held his brother's hand and walked them both into the front room. Rerouting their attention. All three of us are much happier with this tactic. And they aren't challenging me nearly as much...hmm weird how that works.
So even on the days your having a bad mommy day, remember the things you LOVE about being a mom. Everything we experience here is temporary. That bad day, is a bad DAY not a bad life. Of course, I know in the moment it doesn't feel like that. In fact, if you had told me that yesterday, you would have probably gotten slapped. Ha!
Babies are stirring, so it is time for the second segment of my day to begin...anyone else feel like their day is in segments? Just remember, being a Mommy is such an amazing blessing, and we ALL have bad days...anyone who tells you different, is probably not being a straight shooter.
Love you all and have a beautiful weekend!
~Nic
Monday, April 7, 2014
A year as a WHOLE family
We got to bring HB home on Good Friday last year. March 29, 2013. What a GREAT Friday that was.
I took pictures as we left the NICU. Pictures of those doors that we pushed through nearly every day to see our little boys, pictures of the boys in their car seats side by side. I took video of us driving out of the parking structure. Silly? Maybe, but it was a HUGE deal for us. We were finally closing the NICU chapter and opening up a new one at home.
Leaving the NICU was bittersweet in a way.You see, even though you want nothing more than your babies to be home with you, there is a fear. A fear they might DSAT or Brady on your watch and you'll never know, a fear that in their sleep they might stop breathing and there isn't a machine to let you know that something is up. In the NICU they were safe. I know they were safe with us, of course, but those alarms and machines although scary at first, become a sense of comfort. We became close with the nurses. They see you in your most vulnerable state. I was really shut off from the world during that time, but those nurses and doctors were some of the only people I wanted to talk to. After five long weeks, we were finally saying goodbye and taking our little HB home.
We got home late that night. As we pulled up there was one of those wooden storks in our front yard. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. Not being able to bring the boys home from the hospital with me was really hard, I didn't get newborn pictures of them wrapped up all cute or people who got to visit my babies in the nursery. But seeing this sign in my lawn that night brought tears to my eyes because I finally got something that was "normal". It was really special and I am so thankful to my friend who made that sign for us.
That night was sleepless, as it is for all new parents. I am pretty sure I checked to see if HB was breathing like a thousand times! We luckily had bought an Angel Care monitor that will sound an alarm if your baby stops moving for more than 20 seconds. It picks up their breathing as small of a movement as that is. That gave us some comfort. Finally my heart was in one place. I had my husband and my sweet baby boys all under one roof.
Here we are, a year later. With two amazing little boys. Who walk, crawl, climb, babble, laugh, cry, sing and so much more. It is incredible to me that just a year ago these little guys were barely 6 pounds. Wow, what a miracle a baby is.
Our last ride up the elevator to the 4th floor!
Those doors, I'll never forget the first time being pushed through them. I was so scared/ excited/ nervous...
What was waiting for us when we came home as a WHOLE family :)
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
End of Weight Loss Challenge
So I guess the biggest news would be that I didn't go to my final weigh in. I have a few reasons for not doing so...
I lost the weight I had gained from my last weigh in, plus more. Super stoked about that. However, what I didn't want was to go and be disappointed in the number I saw. This challenge was purely weight loss, they didn't take any other measurements and I KNOW that I have lost inches and gained muscle.
I don't want to put importance on the number on the scale. I do have a goal weight but what is more important to me is being healthy and liking how I look, not how much I weigh.
I honestly felt like I wasn't going to "win" the grande prize because I didn't lose that much. So I just opted out. At first I was really upset at myself, thinking I gave up. This is not the case, I still have my goals. I don't need to win a challenge to know that I have done well. I have a scale at home and I can see my weight loss at home. I don't need a prize for losing weight.
I am thankful for starting the challenge though. It got my butt in gear. It was something that I needed to help me really jump start my health journey. I had been trying and couldn't get the gusto to just do it. Well, this helped me and I am thankful for that. I have a lot to learn still, more weight to lose and more muscle to gain.
I lost the weight I had gained from my last weigh in, plus more. Super stoked about that. However, what I didn't want was to go and be disappointed in the number I saw. This challenge was purely weight loss, they didn't take any other measurements and I KNOW that I have lost inches and gained muscle.
I don't want to put importance on the number on the scale. I do have a goal weight but what is more important to me is being healthy and liking how I look, not how much I weigh.
I honestly felt like I wasn't going to "win" the grande prize because I didn't lose that much. So I just opted out. At first I was really upset at myself, thinking I gave up. This is not the case, I still have my goals. I don't need to win a challenge to know that I have done well. I have a scale at home and I can see my weight loss at home. I don't need a prize for losing weight.
I am thankful for starting the challenge though. It got my butt in gear. It was something that I needed to help me really jump start my health journey. I had been trying and couldn't get the gusto to just do it. Well, this helped me and I am thankful for that. I have a lot to learn still, more weight to lose and more muscle to gain.
This is my after weight loss challenge photo
This was my before picture
WITH clothes on, you can't see a huge difference, but trust me there is one ;) I am really proud of myself. I'm a busy momma and making time to take care of myself has been very difficult, but being healthy for myself and my boys is really important to me.
Here's to a healthy, happy me!
Friday, March 14, 2014
It's been a year!
A year ago today, my husband and I were driving away from the NICU with our almost 1 month old, five pound baby. Our hearts were broken as we had to leave his brother behind because he was not well enough to come home. We were so excited, scared and many other things. Excited to FINALLY have part of our heart home with us, scared he would stop breathing in the night or end up back in the NICU, and sad to be leaving his twin brother behind.
As I was rocking the boys tonight and singing to them, CJ looked up at me as he usually does, and started "singing" with the biggest smile on his face. Wow, what a difference a year has made in their little lives and ours. I fought back tears, my heart is so full.
When the boys were born my first memory of CJ is looking over and seeing him being worked on. I didn't hear him cry. I just saw this tiny little thing they were pumping oxygen into with one of those blue puffy things. He wasn't moving, and although I don't remember what the nurses were saying I do remember the sense of urgency in the room.
Going through what we went through as NICU parents, forever changed us. Those little boys of ours, are our whole hearts. We learned what a true fighter is. We learned to lean on our faith, and that the power of prayer is an amazing thing that can carry you when you feel like you are at the edge of nowhere.
This year of having CJ home has been such a blessing. He is definitely my strong willed child! I've learned patience, I've learned that "a little dirt don't hurt" (I am a germ-a-phob, but with two boys...you get the picture), I've learned that when he looks at me I feel like I am the most important thing in the world and that I've never been more proud of anything in my life (that goes for he and his brother).
I thank the Lord every night for trusting my husband and I enough to raise a great man who will know Him. So thankful for this little miracle.
As I was rocking the boys tonight and singing to them, CJ looked up at me as he usually does, and started "singing" with the biggest smile on his face. Wow, what a difference a year has made in their little lives and ours. I fought back tears, my heart is so full.
When the boys were born my first memory of CJ is looking over and seeing him being worked on. I didn't hear him cry. I just saw this tiny little thing they were pumping oxygen into with one of those blue puffy things. He wasn't moving, and although I don't remember what the nurses were saying I do remember the sense of urgency in the room.
Going through what we went through as NICU parents, forever changed us. Those little boys of ours, are our whole hearts. We learned what a true fighter is. We learned to lean on our faith, and that the power of prayer is an amazing thing that can carry you when you feel like you are at the edge of nowhere.
This year of having CJ home has been such a blessing. He is definitely my strong willed child! I've learned patience, I've learned that "a little dirt don't hurt" (I am a germ-a-phob, but with two boys...you get the picture), I've learned that when he looks at me I feel like I am the most important thing in the world and that I've never been more proud of anything in my life (that goes for he and his brother).
I thank the Lord every night for trusting my husband and I enough to raise a great man who will know Him. So thankful for this little miracle.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Weaning the Babies
When the boys were born I knew I wanted them to get breast milk, but I also knew that nursing twins would be a challenge. When they ended up in the NICU, the only thing I could do to help them get stronger everyday was pump for them. Thus began my pumping journey. I pumped for 2 1/2 months, part of that time, they were in the NICU and the other part of the time, I was trying to teach them and myself how to breastfeed.
You know the whole "it's natural" thing...well it is not a "natural" thing that you as a mom just know how to do, and it takes work to make sure that your little is latching right. It's a lot of work, darn it! I remember about 2 months in, nursing the boys for about 30 minutes and getting sad that none of us were getting the hang of it, I looked down and the boys and said "you two better figure this out, because I am not giving up!" Not soon after, we all seemed to figure it out.
All that work and worry to get them to breastfeed, I never once thought about the weaning process.
Weaning the babies has been quite the process, it's been hard on all three of us, but we are getting there. It's hard for me because it means my babies don't need just me anymore. The stage of them being "babies" is slowly coming to a close. It's been hard for them because, well, they just don't understand why mommy isn't plopping down on the couch to feed them every 3-4 hours! Trust me when I say they are getting plenty of food! My sore back and tired feet are proof of that! I feel like all I do anymore is make babyfood!
I started weaning them at about 11 months. I cut out one feeding a week until we were down to morning and night feedings. I kept those for a while. My plan was to keep the night time feeding for a little bit longer but it ended up getting dropped first because my husband was home to help feed them cups of milk. HB had a really hard time that first feeding with a cup. He fought and fought and looked at my like "why momma?" I just kept saying "I love you"...it made me really sad. However, I could also tell my supply was dropping dramatically. They needed more milk and I just wasn't making enough anymore.
I knew that I wanted my last feeding with them to be individual. I planned that I would do this a couple weeks after I incorporated the night time cups...but there was a different plan...
A few morning after they started drinking milk from a sippy cup, HB woke up around 4:30am. I took that opportunity to nurse him. When CJ woke up at 7am I nursed him by himself, and like that we were done. I gave HB a sippy cup for his normal morning feeding, which he took with no fight.
We are now going on 4 days of no breastfeeding. It makes me sad at times, I do miss that closeness with them, but we started something new. At night after they are in their PJs and they are full bellied babies, I take them in their room and rock them. I sing or hum and they will sometimes make humming noises also. They love this routine. The second I sit in that chair they know. CJ's thumb goes straight into his mouth and HB's fingers in his. CJ will usually look up at my and give me the sweetest smile while HB usually nuzzles closer to me. It really is a special time, and although not the same closeness as nursing, it is a very sweet bonding time for the boys and I.
I cannot believe that a year ago we were driving back and forth to the NICU, hoping for better news than the days before. A year ago, they weren't able to takes breaths on their own and now they are trying to walk! When I rock them before I put them in their cribs, I feel their breaths. I check on them before I go to bed and feel their sweet little hearts beating. It brings tears to my eyes how fast they have grown, remembering how scary the first month of their lives was. These amazing babies have changed me. They are my pride and joy, my little buddies. I couldn't imagine my life without CJ and HB.
So even though the nursing phase is over, I am looking forward to all the amazing new phases to come!
You know the whole "it's natural" thing...well it is not a "natural" thing that you as a mom just know how to do, and it takes work to make sure that your little is latching right. It's a lot of work, darn it! I remember about 2 months in, nursing the boys for about 30 minutes and getting sad that none of us were getting the hang of it, I looked down and the boys and said "you two better figure this out, because I am not giving up!" Not soon after, we all seemed to figure it out.
All that work and worry to get them to breastfeed, I never once thought about the weaning process.
Weaning the babies has been quite the process, it's been hard on all three of us, but we are getting there. It's hard for me because it means my babies don't need just me anymore. The stage of them being "babies" is slowly coming to a close. It's been hard for them because, well, they just don't understand why mommy isn't plopping down on the couch to feed them every 3-4 hours! Trust me when I say they are getting plenty of food! My sore back and tired feet are proof of that! I feel like all I do anymore is make babyfood!
I started weaning them at about 11 months. I cut out one feeding a week until we were down to morning and night feedings. I kept those for a while. My plan was to keep the night time feeding for a little bit longer but it ended up getting dropped first because my husband was home to help feed them cups of milk. HB had a really hard time that first feeding with a cup. He fought and fought and looked at my like "why momma?" I just kept saying "I love you"...it made me really sad. However, I could also tell my supply was dropping dramatically. They needed more milk and I just wasn't making enough anymore.
I knew that I wanted my last feeding with them to be individual. I planned that I would do this a couple weeks after I incorporated the night time cups...but there was a different plan...
A few morning after they started drinking milk from a sippy cup, HB woke up around 4:30am. I took that opportunity to nurse him. When CJ woke up at 7am I nursed him by himself, and like that we were done. I gave HB a sippy cup for his normal morning feeding, which he took with no fight.
We are now going on 4 days of no breastfeeding. It makes me sad at times, I do miss that closeness with them, but we started something new. At night after they are in their PJs and they are full bellied babies, I take them in their room and rock them. I sing or hum and they will sometimes make humming noises also. They love this routine. The second I sit in that chair they know. CJ's thumb goes straight into his mouth and HB's fingers in his. CJ will usually look up at my and give me the sweetest smile while HB usually nuzzles closer to me. It really is a special time, and although not the same closeness as nursing, it is a very sweet bonding time for the boys and I.
I cannot believe that a year ago we were driving back and forth to the NICU, hoping for better news than the days before. A year ago, they weren't able to takes breaths on their own and now they are trying to walk! When I rock them before I put them in their cribs, I feel their breaths. I check on them before I go to bed and feel their sweet little hearts beating. It brings tears to my eyes how fast they have grown, remembering how scary the first month of their lives was. These amazing babies have changed me. They are my pride and joy, my little buddies. I couldn't imagine my life without CJ and HB.
So even though the nursing phase is over, I am looking forward to all the amazing new phases to come!
Friday, February 7, 2014
First Weigh In
Well that was a big ol disappointment! Instead of losing weight I gained :( 3 pounds!
I had been doing so well! I was down 4 pounds last week when I weighed myself at home. I did so great with my food the first week. Of course, the weekend hit and that was hard...I indulged a little more than I should have, but not as bad as I used to.
Then this week happened. I did good until Wednesday. Pizza. Delish. Then each day after that I allowed myself cheats, forgetting to drink my water. Although the majority of my meals were healthy I indulged too much and it showed on the scale.
I do have to say though, even though I've gained weight, I can tell I've lost some inches. I've started working out at home in our garage with weights, doing ab workouts inside, and going on walks again. It feels good!
Note: I started writing this post last week and never finished...so here I am updating it now.
I weigh in again on Sunday. Wish me luck!
Note: I started writing this post last week and never finished...so here I am updating it now.
I weigh in again on Sunday. Wish me luck!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
So Far So Good
This is what my day one looked like:
Breakfast:
Breakfast:
Protein pancakes
Snack:
Carrots and humus
Lunch:
Grilled Cheese Ezekiel Bread with cottage cheese
Snack:
Quest Bar
String cheese
Dinner:
Whole wheat pasta with Italian Sausage
Before bed:
Protein shake
I ate more today than I have in a long time..and I was hungry all day. And it was hard to make myself eat. I had a million and one things to do, and eating wasn't something on my list....but I made it happen.
I had to take CJ to physical therapy...as 10 o'clock rolled around, I knew it was crunch time. I had to get both car seats by the front door, along with the stroller, the seats for the stroller, the diaper bag repacked, toys for his physical therapy, myself dressed, boys fed, boys loaded into their seats, boys and everything else loaded into the car finally at 11:20...Yes, it take me that long to do all of that. Why does that hour before I have to go anywhere seem to disappear? Ha!
I also had to make sure to grab myself something to eat. I was starving and I knew that if I didn't get a snack, Taco Bell would literally make my car act like a magnet and I would have been driving home with a delicious bean and cheese burrito and a cheese quesadilla....yummmmmm.
BUT, because I packed my snack of carrots and humus, I was able to resist the urge. It also helped that I took backroads home so the temptation wasn't there. I was very proud of myself.
Day two looked like this:
Breakfast:
Protein Pancakes
Snack:
Carrots and Humus
Lunch:
Ezikiel Grilled Cheese
Cottage Cheese
Snack:
Quest Bar
Dinner:
Grilled Chicken and Quenoa
After Gym:
Protein Shake
Gym day!
I was PUMPED to be going to the gym. It is the first time in, gosh, a year and half. I think...
I worked out in the beginning of my pregnancy. It wasn't long though until my body was aching and I was exhausted. So that didn't last.
Yes, many preggo mommies can work past the exhaustion and achy-ness, I was not one of them. Oh well.
I had to take CJ to physical therapy...as 10 o'clock rolled around, I knew it was crunch time. I had to get both car seats by the front door, along with the stroller, the seats for the stroller, the diaper bag repacked, toys for his physical therapy, myself dressed, boys fed, boys loaded into their seats, boys and everything else loaded into the car finally at 11:20...Yes, it take me that long to do all of that. Why does that hour before I have to go anywhere seem to disappear? Ha!
I also had to make sure to grab myself something to eat. I was starving and I knew that if I didn't get a snack, Taco Bell would literally make my car act like a magnet and I would have been driving home with a delicious bean and cheese burrito and a cheese quesadilla....yummmmmm.
BUT, because I packed my snack of carrots and humus, I was able to resist the urge. It also helped that I took backroads home so the temptation wasn't there. I was very proud of myself.
Day two looked like this:
Breakfast:
Protein Pancakes
Snack:
Carrots and Humus
Lunch:
Ezikiel Grilled Cheese
Cottage Cheese
Snack:
Quest Bar
Dinner:
Grilled Chicken and Quenoa
After Gym:
Protein Shake
Gym day!
I was PUMPED to be going to the gym. It is the first time in, gosh, a year and half. I think...
I worked out in the beginning of my pregnancy. It wasn't long though until my body was aching and I was exhausted. So that didn't last.
Yes, many preggo mommies can work past the exhaustion and achy-ness, I was not one of them. Oh well.
I
hate working out at the free weights, not because I hate lifting but
because I'm intimated by the people who actually know what they are
doing. So I stuck to the assisted machines. I am sure I will get comfortable in the free weights, just not there yet.
I started on the elliptical, did leg exercises and end with a 20 min cardio sesh on the elliptical again. I had gone on a walk/ run early that day so I think I got my fair share of cardio in ;)
As the week has gone on, I have felt great. I have definitely had my moments where I want to eat everything and anything in the house, especially when I got home from the gym, but I resisted. It was and and will continue to be hard. Any change is.
I took a picture of my side profile this morning, and much to my surprise I can see a big difference! It's been nearly a month since I started thinking hard about what I was eating, but it's been the last four days that I have actually stuck to a clean eating lifestyle. I have more energy, I am in a better mood, I've been getting more done around the house. It feels great!
Seeing my progress in the picture this morning was an even bigger motivator. I can't wait to see what a month will bring!
I started on the elliptical, did leg exercises and end with a 20 min cardio sesh on the elliptical again. I had gone on a walk/ run early that day so I think I got my fair share of cardio in ;)
As the week has gone on, I have felt great. I have definitely had my moments where I want to eat everything and anything in the house, especially when I got home from the gym, but I resisted. It was and and will continue to be hard. Any change is.
I took a picture of my side profile this morning, and much to my surprise I can see a big difference! It's been nearly a month since I started thinking hard about what I was eating, but it's been the last four days that I have actually stuck to a clean eating lifestyle. I have more energy, I am in a better mood, I've been getting more done around the house. It feels great!
Seeing my progress in the picture this morning was an even bigger motivator. I can't wait to see what a month will bring!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Time to Step It Up
So I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and much to my surprise I had gained about 10 lbs. Still lower than my pre-preg weight, but definitely not want I wanted to see...
I know that I have been over indulging, because I can. However, my days of nursing my twins are coming to an end in the coming months and all of those calories I have been so effortlessly burning are going to start sticking. Booo
Yesterday my sister was looking at Instagram and mentioned to me something that Nutrishop had posted about a Body Transformation Challenge. It struck my interest because it helps to be held accountable. Everyone has their own motivators; mine is when I have someone to answer to besides myself. However, I am not doing this for ANYONE ELSE this is for ME, but it helps to have that outside support.
Today was the last day that I could sign up, so on our way we went. I weighed in and spoke to one of the employees about a meal plan. It is so simple. Eat every two to three hours. Make healthy choices. The right combination of proteins and carbs...
The thing is, I know how to eat healthy...it's just hard. It's hard to prep, it's hard to continue to eat clean when you crave the bad stuff. However, hard is not impossible, and I am finally at the point where I am ready.
I am ready to see this change. I want to see what my body can do.
I played softball my entire life, until adulthood, so I always had an athletic body. Age and babies, of course, have changed my body, but I can still be healthy. I am ready to do this.
Will I have cheats? Duh. Will I have bad days? I am sure of it. Will I succeed? Absolutely.
So here we go.
I know that I have been over indulging, because I can. However, my days of nursing my twins are coming to an end in the coming months and all of those calories I have been so effortlessly burning are going to start sticking. Booo
Yesterday my sister was looking at Instagram and mentioned to me something that Nutrishop had posted about a Body Transformation Challenge. It struck my interest because it helps to be held accountable. Everyone has their own motivators; mine is when I have someone to answer to besides myself. However, I am not doing this for ANYONE ELSE this is for ME, but it helps to have that outside support.
Today was the last day that I could sign up, so on our way we went. I weighed in and spoke to one of the employees about a meal plan. It is so simple. Eat every two to three hours. Make healthy choices. The right combination of proteins and carbs...
The thing is, I know how to eat healthy...it's just hard. It's hard to prep, it's hard to continue to eat clean when you crave the bad stuff. However, hard is not impossible, and I am finally at the point where I am ready.
I am ready to see this change. I want to see what my body can do.
I played softball my entire life, until adulthood, so I always had an athletic body. Age and babies, of course, have changed my body, but I can still be healthy. I am ready to do this.
Will I have cheats? Duh. Will I have bad days? I am sure of it. Will I succeed? Absolutely.
So here we go.
B and I heading to Nutrishop :)
One of my before pictures.
I am not comfortable just yet posting my slightly more revealing before pictures on my blog. Maybe after my transformation, but you get the picture. I would like to lose about 20 lbs and tone up.
Stay tuned!
Have a blessed Sunday everyone :)
~Nic
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
It hurts so good
So the other night my sibs, hubby and I had a spontaneous work out in my mom's garage. You work with whatcha got.
We made special stations, using an old night stand from my Gramp's house as a bench to do tricep dips (with cases of water for added weight, for the boys), weights from my brothers room, towels as yoga mats (haha), my sister's pull up bar for push ups and pull ups, and put on some Bass Nectar radio and got cray cray.
We choose to do three sets of burn outs at each station.
Station 1: Tricep Dips and Pull Ups (or attempted pull ups where I held myself in a pull up position until fail)
Station 2: Push Ups (wide and narrow)
Station 3: Chest Press and Around the Worlds
Station 4: Skull Crushers and Tricep Extensions
Station 5: Plank (I went for 26 seconds and then a whole minute, STOKED!)
It felt so so so good to get a work out like that in. I haven't worked out for way too long.
We finished off with love from babies and protein shakes. YUM!
The day after, I was pretty sore. In fact, I kind of thought I may have done some damage to my right arm...but after using it, the pain subsided to good ol fashioned soreness.
Today I am really sore, especially my core because of the planking, but it feels so good! When I feel that soreness, I know that I worked out hard and that if I keep it up I'll see some great results. Can't wait to go at it again!
We made special stations, using an old night stand from my Gramp's house as a bench to do tricep dips (with cases of water for added weight, for the boys), weights from my brothers room, towels as yoga mats (haha), my sister's pull up bar for push ups and pull ups, and put on some Bass Nectar radio and got cray cray.
We choose to do three sets of burn outs at each station.
Station 1: Tricep Dips and Pull Ups (or attempted pull ups where I held myself in a pull up position until fail)
Station 2: Push Ups (wide and narrow)
Station 3: Chest Press and Around the Worlds
Station 4: Skull Crushers and Tricep Extensions
Station 5: Plank (I went for 26 seconds and then a whole minute, STOKED!)
It felt so so so good to get a work out like that in. I haven't worked out for way too long.
We finished off with love from babies and protein shakes. YUM!
The day after, I was pretty sore. In fact, I kind of thought I may have done some damage to my right arm...but after using it, the pain subsided to good ol fashioned soreness.
Today I am really sore, especially my core because of the planking, but it feels so good! When I feel that soreness, I know that I worked out hard and that if I keep it up I'll see some great results. Can't wait to go at it again!
Tricep Extensions
Tricep Dips
Push Ups and Around the Worlds
Bad A**es ;)
Bicep Curls
Skull Crushers
Annnnd I leave you with this picture of the two cutest little guys around! I am such a lucky momma :)
Sunday, January 5, 2014
...
The title is how I felt at the end of yesterday.
Just...blank. Worn down. Emotionally drained. Exhausted. Frustrated.
I prayed all day yesterday for patience and strength to get through the day. God granted me those all day until I was able to have a moment to unload when my husband came home.
I love my three guys more than anything. My poor husband who also had crappy day yesterday, walked through the door to a wife who had been crying and was not done....I fed my little Monkey handed him to my husband and walked into our room, laid on the bed, and cried...ugly cried.
The boys were non stop all day. All I wanted to do was clean the kitchen and I couldn't. If I had them in their walkers they were at my feet crying for me. If I had them playing on the floor, they were grabbing the Christmas tree and pulling needles, or crawling to me in the kitchen. If I put them down for a nap CJ would fight me....and on and on.
Don't think I don't let them cry either...with two, I don't really have a choice! However, you can only listen to your baby cry/ whine for so long before you cave.
I think they are getting stir crazy just as I am.
At the end of the day yesterday, I had just had it. I needed a good cry, and a nap.
The thing is it is okay to have bad days. I haven't broken down like this since the boys have been born. Maybe small freak outs here and there but not full on ugly cry. It is hard to be needed 24/7 and I've been having a real identity crisis lately.
I spoke to a few of my friends over the last few days, I am so glad to hear I am not the only one! haha!
Being a mom is so amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. However, there are hard days. Days when I miss getting up and going to work, days where I miss it just being me and my husband, days were I wish I could eat when I am hungry! I am so in love with my boys though and that's why it is so hard to have those feelings.
But I am human...and I have to learn that it is okay to have those selfish feelings...at times ;)
Other than my venting sesh....although the boys have gotten more clingy, they have been so much fun! Crawling, standing, trying to walk. I love it! They can crawl up on my lap and they snuggle into me, makes my heart melt every time. It is moments like that, at the end of a stressful day, that I soak up every moment and wish they wouldn't grow so fast.
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The boys were non stop all day. All I wanted to do was clean the kitchen and I couldn't. If I had them in their walkers they were at my feet crying for me. If I had them playing on the floor, they were grabbing the Christmas tree and pulling needles, or crawling to me in the kitchen. If I put them down for a nap CJ would fight me....and on and on.
Don't think I don't let them cry either...with two, I don't really have a choice! However, you can only listen to your baby cry/ whine for so long before you cave.
I think they are getting stir crazy just as I am.
At the end of the day yesterday, I had just had it. I needed a good cry, and a nap.
The thing is it is okay to have bad days. I haven't broken down like this since the boys have been born. Maybe small freak outs here and there but not full on ugly cry. It is hard to be needed 24/7 and I've been having a real identity crisis lately.
I spoke to a few of my friends over the last few days, I am so glad to hear I am not the only one! haha!
Being a mom is so amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. However, there are hard days. Days when I miss getting up and going to work, days where I miss it just being me and my husband, days were I wish I could eat when I am hungry! I am so in love with my boys though and that's why it is so hard to have those feelings.
But I am human...and I have to learn that it is okay to have those selfish feelings...at times ;)
Other than my venting sesh....although the boys have gotten more clingy, they have been so much fun! Crawling, standing, trying to walk. I love it! They can crawl up on my lap and they snuggle into me, makes my heart melt every time. It is moments like that, at the end of a stressful day, that I soak up every moment and wish they wouldn't grow so fast.
This pictures depicts my daily life perfectly. CJ usually is flipping upside down being a crazy, and my little HB "Monkey" is sweetly snuggling me, or holding on as I am trying to save his brother ;)
I am so incredibly blessed to have these two. They have taught me so much about myself over the last 10 months. My husband is amazing for putting up with my mood swings and being such a great daddy. I love watching the boys' faces light up when he walks through the door at the end of the day.
I hope all you other mommies know it is okay to be overwhelmed. We aren't perfect, we are human! We give our all, all day long. It is exhausting...and that is okay too.
~Nic
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