Self Respect: Love Yourself

Okay, so I totally stole this from one of the girls I follow on my fitness Instagram account. Which I hardly use because I am not doing so well on the whole fitness thing at the moment...that is a story for another day.

Anyways... isn't the above paragraph so true? As women we are sooo hard on ourselves. I could sit down and ramble off a whole list of things I DO NOT like about myself without even thinking about it. How sad. What we need to focus on, what I need to focus on, is loving myself and who I am in God's eyes. He created me perfect in His image! Why can't I see that all the time? It is so easy to focus on the things we want to fix or change. What about all the good we have in our lives? What about having life, having health,  jobs, cars, a roof over our heads etc.

After the babies came my body has changed a lot of course. My tummy doesn't look the same, I have bags under my eyes, I feel exhausted like every moment of every day, among other things. But..I am loved, I am living, I am happy!

I started this blog and that instagram account (I hardly use) to jumpstart my fitness journey. It helped, I am definitely conscious of health decisions I make but I struggle a lot with it at the same time, which I have expressed in some of my other posts. When I have these struggles it is so easy to get down on myself and think of the things I am not doing instead of the great things I am doing. I see these beautiful girls on instagram that I use as my motivation and I want to be like them...but I have to remind myself, a lot of those women are fitness models..their job is to be fit and in shape ALL THE TIME. That's not my job. I am first and foremost a mom and a wife, and I love that. I love me in that role.

Don't get me wrong it is great to be healthy and fit and that is what I strive for, but in the meantime it is so important to love where you are in life. Love your journey. Love what God has given you, because in His eyes you are BEAUTIFUL all the time. What a great feeling that is!

Until next time, my 5 followers...haha! Love you and Happy Halloween!

I'm so stoked to have my very own Batman and Robin this year ;)

~Nic

Prayers

So as I sit here thinking of a zillion things to blog about, but don't have time to write...my heart is aching for a fellow blogger. I only started following her blog a couple days ago when my friend sent me her link. I'm really weird about blogging...I love to put stuff out there, but not too personal. That's just me. So I naturally do not feel write blogging all about this momma seeing as I don't know her personally. However, her blog is public and I know she has a lot of followers. All I ask is that you pray for her and her husband. You can read their story here.

I wish these days would last

 My first hours, even days, of mommyhood were not your typical "I'm so in love with my new baby" experience. Instead I was scared, confused and sick. I didn't get to hold my son CJ until four days after his birth when I finally saw him in the NICU. I knew that I loved these babies, but I was so worried about their survival that was almost my first feeling towards them...worry. Of course it didn't take long for that love and connection that new parents talk about to kick in. It just wasn't my first reaction to parenthood. I know that sounds just awful but I think you parents of NICU babies can relate.  Leaving the hospital you walked fully pregnant into without your baby isn't really the scenario most people picture when they think of the first days of parenthood.

I remember visiting the boys and just praying to hear their cries at home. I know that crying in the middle of the night is exhausting...but I couldn't wait to have my heart back together in one piece under one roof..and if that meant hearing crying all night, so be it. Luckily my boys were awesome when we got them home. I thank the NICU nurses for getting them on a 3 hours schedule! Life saver, I tell ya! Anyways...when I got the boys home I promised myself I would savor every single moment that I got with them.

When the boys were itty bitty I really did what I could to soak up and memorize every moment, every smile, every stare. It is so easy to get swept away with the chaos and stress that a new baby brings into your life. I have to do a mental check when things do get stressful and remind myself that it won't be like this forever, I WILL miss these days with the boys. I'll miss their cries for me, the rushing around, and this baby stage. Time goes by so fast! That time of PURE EXHAUSTION??? It won't last forever. Babies are only that little for a short amount of time. Enjoy it. Yes it is hard and it is tiring, but you are the world to that sweet little life that you created. Embrace the cries, the messy diapers and the days when you can't shower, because they don't last forever, and you are blessed to have a sweet baby to love on.

I felt like writing this post because I feel like there are a lot of new parents that get so stressed they can't see the joy in having a new little baby. It is okay to feel stressed, most of my days I am! Haha! I just really do my best to see the good in the time I have with my little ones.

Until next time friends!

God Bless!

They say it gets easier...

Who are they anyways? They are the parents of a new baby, the ones who have been through the sleepless nights, the messy houses and the struggle to balance it all. We can all relate to how mentally and physically demanding a new baby can be. I think one of the hardest parts though is that a baby doesn't know how much work they are. Ha! When they are crying and fussing and won't stop they have no clue that you are sleep deprived and that this is a huge adjustment to the life you had before. I guess that's why "they" say it gets easier...we all figure it out and get into a routine that adds some sanity to our new crazy but filled with love life. 

So it has been one of those mornings (I started writing this blog post this morning, as you can tell but I am JUST now getting around to posting it, at 8:30...). It actually started last night when CJ refused to go to bed even though I know he was exhausted. I tried CIO, which usually works but he wasn't having it, and I can only hear him cry for so long...so I caved. I think he is cutting some teeth so I brought him out and put him in the swing with a teether ring and some Tylenol. Oh did I mention this was all happening as I was tying to cook myself dinner and as my hubby was getting ready to leave for work? Last night there were a couple of rough hours, but we made it through. After a couple of hours of being up, CJ finally let me lay him in his crib and he passed out.

Then this morning...all was going according to plan. Twins wake up, I change and feed them,  they play while I make myself breakfast and eat, then they go in their swings and nap so I can shower. Oh wait! They were supposed to nap so I could shower! I know that when they have this nap it's my only time to get ready for the day...well CJ had other plans. Instead of falling asleep like usual, he fussed, so I took that as a sign he wanted his crib. So I laid him in there and it began....oy! Obviously his crib is some sort of torture chamber...I'm a mean momma! Not really though...I let him fuss for a little hoping he would tire himself out but that didn't work, and I really do hate hearing them cry. I put HB in the crib also and he fell asleep right away. And as he was snoozing away so was my chance to get ready... because you see, CJ was still wide awake and needing extra cuddles, and even though I was feeling very flustered, holding a baby is very calming and with two its rare I get the chance to just snuggle one, so I happy obliged :) 

As the day went on we had our ups and downs, and I just try to savor every moment. Hard or easy, I am thankful. I was finally able to shower around 1:30pm, and then Hubby let me take a nice long uninterrupted nap. It was glorious!

As I am reflecting on the day, I realize that both boys went to bed at 5:30 tonight...crazy right?! They are still sleeping as I type which is also amazing! Babies are constantly changing keeping us parents constantly on our toes. However, I am thankful for the crazy days with my boys. When they were in the NICU I couldn't wait to hear their cries in the middle of the night, I couldn't wait for the days where they just needed extra mommy love or the days where I could spend hours doing silly things just to hear them giggle. I have such an appreciation for the time I get to spend with my boys. My hubby works hard so I can be with my little loves and I am so thankful.

I love their little footsies!

  I went in a snuck a couple pictures of my sweeties...HB is above and CJ is below.

Oh! Also as a quick update...because I started consuming more calories (and I mean a lot more) my supply went back up! Yay! I also fed the boys on demand for a little while...which kind of made a bad habit with them, but that's besides the point. Mommy can still nurse and the boys are still happy with that so all is good! 

Until next time!

Drying up?!

 There are days when I feel I've never worked this hard in my life, emotionally and even sometimes physically. Maybe not that I've never worked this hard, but I've never worked for such a long period without some down time. Even my sleep feels not restful. I suppose that is the role of a mother though, and although I might be exhausted I wouldn't change a thing.

Last week I noticed my supply seemed to be dwindling. The thought of not nursing anymore crushed me. I'm not ready to be done! Yes there are days when I wish I had a little more freedom with feedings, but I also know that when this chapter is over I will miss it. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, my goal was to get to six months breastfeeding. Since that has come and gone I don't have a new timeline...just for as long as it feels right I suppose. 

When I noticed my supply was dropping I slightly panicked, one because I'm not ready to be done nursing, I truly do enjoy the special time I get with my babies and two because I feel that this will be my one and only time to nurse. My husband and I don't have plans to have more kiddos so this is my one time to have this experience. Is it hard? Heck yeah! However, when this chapter in my life is over a whole new chapter with my babies will open and a whole new kind of "hard" will begin. It is what being a parent is all about. Being a good parent isn't easy but every single moment that is hard is worth it. 

So to increase my supply I started eating...pretty much anything that sounded good to me. I didn't eat "healthy" calories either, whomp whomp. I have such a hard time finding that right balance between eating enough to make sure I am producing enough for my babies and not eating too much. I don't want to overdo it and have a hard time losing weight when I am done breastfeeding. I am so ready to start eating a healthier diet but really struggle with consuming enough calories when I eat clean meals. I know that sounds so lame, but lets face it, chicken and veggies don't add up to the same calories as a burger and fries. It is important to me to be healthy. So I do have healthy meals, just not all the time. I came to the conclusion that nursing the boys until I am done is more important to me than losing weight is right now. I can't really complain anyways, I am now about 65 pounds lighter than I was on the day I delivered my precious bundles. That puts me at 20 pounds lighter than my pre preg weight.

I am asked all the time what I did to lose the weight....I nursed two babies and I am busy. ALL. DAY. LONG. According to Livestrong.com a mother who nurses twins can burn up to 1000 calories a day. I know, crazy, right? And I was worried about getting to my pre preg size! Ha!

Anyways, I guess the idea of this post is to let other nursing mommies know that we all struggle to find the right balance with eating enough and eating healthy. Nursing is not easy on a person, physically or mentally at times. I know it has added to my exhaustion. However, I will never regret those moments. It is special and a bond that is so strong it is hard to explain. My mom always told me how special it was, and I kind of always shrugged it off until I experienced it myself. It is totally worth the hard times in the beginning. It is totally worth the added sleepiness.

Until next time ;)

Hopefully it won't take me a month to post again, but like I said...I am exhausted!

Sleep Training...Twins

I finally got the twins in their own room, yes some say six months is old for them to be in our room still and some say let them stay as long as they want! Truth be told, I LOVED having my sweet boys next to our be at night. I could see them breathing. I could hear every noise. I could smell their sweet baby smell. However I needed my space back for my hubby and I. I needed to feel like an adult again. I needed to be able to go into my bathroom and wash my face without fear of waking up the boys. So I moved them.

They are in their own room, currently sharing a crib. I put a blanket under the crib sheet so that they can't roll into each other and wake each other up that way. Also in researching if twins should sleep together SIDS was mentioned, this is because they can actually suffocate the other baby. I only have one crib so I needed to come up with a solution and putting a "barrier" between them worked...for now. Of course CJ is rolling all over the place and I am sure it won't be too soon until he is crawling. So the whole sharing a crib won't work for much longer. Although I can tell they love being so close to one another. 

Anyways, so I got them in their own bed, in their own room. The first week I was waking up every three hours with them...I'd hear them cry, go pick them up and nurse them, and go back to bed. It was exhausting and I knew that as 6 month olds they really don't need those middle if the night feedings...so I waited until my mom spent the night and let them CIO, thanks Mom!

I comforted them when they got too upset but I kept them in their crib or room. That was probably the hardest night. The following night they woke up and wanted to eat (or actually just be with me) but didn't fight me nearly as bad as the night before. The nights following have been easier. They sleep for longer stretches at night. I'll put them down at 7:30 or 8pm and the first wake up is usually 5am, but then they go back to sleep until 9am! Woohoo! Just as a side note, my doctor did tell me that they don't need to eat every three hours at night. Hearing that allowed me to feel a little more at ease about letting them cry themselves back to sleep, and I am pretty sure I didn't do any long term damage! I know that when I hear my boys on the monitor in the morning cooing and making happy noises they slept well and like their own space. I see their smiles and I am reassured they still love me even though I let them fuss a little in the middle of the night.

If there is any book I can suggest for sleep training it is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, M. D. Just the first few chapters helped me understand my sons' sleeping patterns and taught me how important good, restful sleep is for our babies. Happy rested babies=happy mommy (still trying to catch up on sleep though, haha). The book really helped me with naps and bedtime because I learned how to watch for their sleepy ques and their patterns; eat, play, sleep etc. My boys don't fight me at bed time anymore, and IF I hear a noise from them it is maybe for five minutes. I know CIO isn't for everyone (and that is not necessarily what Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is about), we all have our own parenting techniques and we have to do what is best for our babies and our sanity!

Oh another HUGE thing that I learned is that the boys do sleep through each other's noises. CJ will be crying and HB will sleep right on through it and visa versa. On occasion they might wake each other up, but not to the point where the other can't fall back asleep. I know before I had the boys sleeping next to each other I was afraid of that, but they have been with each other so long I think it is comforting to them to know that their brother is still right there next to them. Noises and all.

Good night and if anyone out there is sleep training twins good luck and don't give up!

What NOT to say to parents of multiples

I've gone back and forth on writing this post because the last thing I want to do is come across is mean or snooty. If you know me personally you know that I am not that way at all, and most of my readers are my friends and family so you know that this post was made just to inform other people about what NOT to say to parents with multiples.

When people in public realize that you have twins the questions start coming. I don't mind them one bit because who doesn't like to talk about their kids? I guess I should say the majority of questions or comments I really don't mind. Everyone is different so everyone's sensitivity level on the questions and comments will be different. 

My husband and I have recently heard:

Better you than me!

Good luck! (but in a sarcastic way not a sweet way)

Double trouble! 

You have your hands full! 

You poor thing!

I know some of these sound harmless, and to be honest I usually don't get offended. However, it's when people use tones like they are trying to be cruel. Today I had a lady walk up to me and say "twins"? I smiled and said "yes" and she said "good luck, Hahahhaha", and walked away, laughing...no joke. I'm sure she meant it to be harmless but it is hurtful when I'm laughed at.

I guess it is just that I wish people would think about what their words mean. Like I said, most comments I truly don't mind. I understand that there is an interest in multiples because they are unique. I know before I had twins I was in awe of people with multiples. However, I never thought to make comments that could be harsh. The picture I posted above is really something that we mommies of multiples hear probably every time we go out in public. I want to respond with "Darn right better me than you if you have that attitude". Ha! I might think that but I'm not brave enough to say it ;) The whole better you than me, can be hurtful. They have no idea that for the first month of my sons' lives I was scared for their lives. They have no idea what it is like to carry twins and how that feels on your body. They have no idea that I sometimes I have let one baby cry so I can tend to the other. They don't know that I can't give all of my attention just to one of my sons, I have to share my time. Some of  this goes for even moms multiple singletons. So those kinds of comments, although I know they are truly meant to be harmless, sometimes hurt. Maybe it is because people really just don't know what to say, so they spit out the first thing that comes to mind.

So if you come across a parent of multiples think about what you say before you comment and how it will sound. If you are a parent of multiples be prepared for these comments and take them with a grain of salt. Having multiples and/or singletons is such a blessing. Try not to let anyone take that joy from you. No matter how "full your hands" might be, remember your heart is just as full with love. 

Until next time friends! God bless! 

Lack of Motivation

I don't know if it's this warm weather, my lack of sleep, or all the changes that I've gone through in this past year and few months, but I sure am lacking motivation during the day. I LOVE being able to stay home with my boys, it is such a blessing, but also such a huge change for me. Not really having things to do or places to be on the daily makes it hard to get going. The age the boys are right now, also makes it difficult. They want to play but are still stationary, so I'm constantly moving them from station to station and playing in between. I'm loving every second of it, but things around the house are falling by the wayside and I really am struggling to balance it all. When the boys nap...darn it I want to nap too!

I know they are only 5 months old. In my head I keep telling myself they are 5 months old you should have this figured out by now. It is just a huge adjustment, going from waking up at 5am to get ready for work and working all day then relaxing with my hubby at night to being a stay at home mommy, being woken up in the middle of the night, woken up early in the morning and being at my sweet baby boys' beck and call all. day. long. My husband works his butt off and my new job is 24/7. I'm not complaining because I do love it, I just get discouraged sometimes with my lack of motivation. How long did it take you other mommies to get back into the swing of things? Please don't think I sit around the house all day doing nothing, because trust me these boys keep their mommy very busy, but when were you able to feel productive again? My husband is so sweet when I get hard on myself, he reminds me "you are raising humans, I think that's doing a lot right there". That is very true. I guess I just feel like I should be able to do more with my time.

In talking with one of my sweet friends yesterday, who seriously has it all together, she had the same feelings that I do about stuff getting done around the house and feeling tired at the end of the day. We both agreed that when the kids are finally asleep the last thing we want to do is more work (dishes, laundry, etc.) when it is our only down time. It made me feel better that I am not the only one. I would never trade this time at home for anything. I know I will get into the swing of things eventually.

Sleep training, or should I say sleep torcher (for mommy) is a struggle. That could definitely be adding to my tiredness during the day. The boys were doing sooo good! I would put them down at 9pm and they would sleep until 5am, I could deal with that. However for some reason they feel the need to BOTH fight me now for sleep and act like they are newborns again and wake up every 3 hours in the night....ummm no babies didn't you get the memo? You are old enough to sleep through the night now. I suppose it is time to put them in their room, and really get down to business. So I am in a mad scrabble looking for another crib and trying to find a book that will help me get my sanity back! I'm planning on picking up "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby" I will let you all know how that goes. Wish me luck!

Self Respect: Exercise

Oh exercise how I miss you! I miss a good workout at the gym, really feeling the burn after a workout. Part of my journey to being healthier is to improve my exercise habits. At the moment I consider getting out of the house to go on a walk an accomplishment. Even if it's a walk, it's better than sitting on the couch. Can I be honest though? I know how pathetic this sounds too, I'm embarrassed...but I'm not comfortable going on walks alone. I'm scared. Not of people but of dogs...I totally give you permission to laugh! I know how incredibly irrational this sounds. However if you knew me, you would know what a fearful person I am and although these fears might be silly to everyone else, they are very real to me. I struggle with anxiety, so it is hard for me to go outside of my comfort zone sometimes.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you" - Eleanore Roosevelt

After writing the first part of this post last night, I was thinking about what else to say...was I going to say that I let me fear stop me yet again from going out and doing something I love? Or was I going to be able to say that I faced my fear today? Well I can say I faced my fear.

 

And it felt good! I loaded the boys up into their stroller and we went on a really nice walk. Now that they are bigger they can sit in their stroller seats and not the car seats, which makes it much easier. 

I feel very restricted most days. I stay in the house with the boys day in and day out (I refuse to put them in the child care at the gym, they are still too little). Not only in the aspect of working out but because I do breast feed I have to plan my time out according to their feeding schedule. It makes it hard to leave the house some days. 

Today though we had a very busy day with doctors appointments and errands to run. I'm telling you I get my workout in unloading and reloading those two into our truck! After being out all day I was exhausted. I was able to take a nice nap this afternoon and then got a second wind. I thought to myself...let's be brave. So I was, and I am damn proud of myself. I LOVE going on walks but I always walk with someone. Today I walked with my boys, it was so nice...and guess what? I didn't get attacked! 

I faced a fear, as silly of a fear as it is, and I feel great! I came home and celebrated with a yummy banana, peanut butter, protein shake. 

The important thing is to get moving. Whether it is a hard core gym sesh or an evening walk with friends. Just move, it's better than being stationary. 

Surviving the NICU Rollercoaster

I was recently asked by a fellow twin expectant mommy how I emotionally dealt with and survived having my sons in the NICU...the question caught me off guard but I was happy that I was able to answer it in a positive way. I looked back on my experience and although one of the scariest times in my life, I was able to grow from it and dig deep inside myself for strength and lean on my faith to get me through.

When you hear the term the NICU rollercoaster, it doesn't make sense unless you've experienced it. There are ups and downs, unexpected twists and turns. Scary moments and even happy moments. Nothing can prepare you for seeing your babies fight for their lives. However, your mindset will be what will pull you through the emotional challenges you will encounter.

February 23, 2013 started off as any other day. I got my achy pregnant body out of bed and wondered how much longer I would be pregnant and uncomfortable. I was 34 weeks and 3 days preggers with our twin boys. Had I known my boys would be making their debut later that day I would have done anything to keep them in longer. 

I know what it feels like to leave the hospital where you delivered your babies without them in your arms. I know what it feels like that although I just had babies, I wasn't a mom. What it's like to feel gyped I didn't get my bonding time with my babies when they were born because the second they were born the nurses were working frantically to keep my babies breathing. From the moment my babies were born until I got to have them home with me, my heart was broken. There was such an emptiness. Constant worry. My husband and I felt so incomplete when our boys were so far from us. We were constantly on the phone with the NICU. If it wasn't for those sweet nurses loving our babies as if they were their own, I don't know how I would have been able to leave the NICU. We became medical terminology pros over night. I learned what intubation, Brady, DSAT, and nasal cannula was, along with other terms. I made myself familiar with these terms so I could understand when the nurses told me what was happening with my boys.

I know people were worried that I was going to go off the deep end. Of course I was sad and depressed, my boys were fighting for their lives and I couldn't do anything but watch and pray and love them. I went into a reclusive state, not from depression, but I wanted everything to stop. I wanted the world to stop turning I wanted life to stop going on because I couldn't move forward until my boys were with me. I didn't speak to my very best friends for over a month...it could have actually been longer...the whole time the boys were in the NICU was a blur.  All I cared about was my boys and how they were doing.  I thank you friends for giving me my space. I know it was probably hard to see someone you love go through that, but thank you for giving me that time. I needed it to process everything.

With all of that said, I learned so much about myself during that time. I learned that I am a strong person, that I can speak up, that NICU nurses and doctors are AMAZING people (I already knew this but I gained a new perspective), I learned that even when I wanted to break down I had to keep going for my boys. My sons taught me so much about strength in those weeks they spent in the NICU. I read a quote recently that said "if you need to see inspiration for strength look at a preemie fighting for their life when they don't even know what it is they are fighting for". I can't find the exactly quote but this spoke volumes to me. My sons blew me away with their strength and I found my strength in theirs. What amazing little people preemies are. Their strength and endurance helped me, their mommy, stay positive.

The days apart from your babies in the NICU are long and hard. I remember feeling that it was so un-natural that I couldn't be with my new sons 24/7, that I couldn't hear their every cry. I felt and still feel so gyped that I didn't get those first months of their lives with them. However, through pain we find strength. If I only focused on all those negatives I would have been in a very bad place. It is only now looking back that I realize all those feelings I had. During the time the boys were in the NICU I focused on the positives. The boys were getting better every day, even if it was something seemingly small. Holding down another mL of food, being weaned off oxygen, these were HUGE milestones for my preemies who could barely breath on their own when they came into this world. There were set backs and scary moments, but the positives out weighed the negatives in my mind. My boys were growing stronger every single day, they are amazing people caring for them watching their every breathe, they were being put on a schedule (such a life saver especially with twins), they were getting used to noises, and they were brave little fighters! One of the NICU nurses told me that working with these little miracle babies is the closest that she can be to working with God. What a statement and so true. I knew my sweet, innocent boys were the closest that I would feel to being with God until the day I am in Heaven. That might not make a whole lot of sense to everyone but I felt His presence the whole time we were in the NICU even on the days I felt furthest from HIM. I know there were Angels with my babies.

The way I survived the NICU Rollercoaster was looking at my sons for strength, PRAYER, my faith, my husband, my family and friends, and really focusing on the accomplishments my boys made everyday no matter how small. I also knew I was helping my sons by pumping and getting them my milk even though I couldn't nurse them. This was huge for me, knowing that I was helping them. It was the only way that I could, so that's what I did.

The last day we were in the NICU and getting ready to take H home, a new baby was being rushed into the NICU...when she passed by us I got a huge lump in my throat knowing the journey the family was about to face. It's not an easy one, but if you can see the beauty that lies ahead, just keep going.

For some reason when the boys were in the NICU a song by Gunger called Beautiful Things kept playing over and over in my head. I kept hearing "You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us". I clung onto those words praying for my two beautiful sons.

Here we are 4 months later, slightly sleep deprived, and busier than ever, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Self Respect: Set Goals

Set goals
Exercise
Love yourself
Focus on fitness

Rest and relax
Eat right
Smile
Portray positive
Enjoy life
Care for others
Tell yourself you can do this

This is what was in the framed picture I posted last blog. I keep this in my kitchen so I can see it everyday and even if I don't practice each of these everyday at least I have a reminder. I was looking at this frame yesterday as I was feeling discouraged and the very first thing on this list is to set goals. I haven't really set any goals for myself in this eating better, clean whatever you want to call it journey. Besides saying I won't have sweets, which lasted all of three days (yeah I have no self control), I haven't set any clear goals for myself. So last night I started a list on my iPhone, just three items to begin with. I didn't want to overwhelm myself like I do with my "to do" list.

My three goals are to try to get more sleep, take one thing on my "to do" list a day and complete it, and make conscience decisions to eat healthy snacks. 

The boys are finally sleeping between 5 and 7 hours at night. It is hit and miss, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I stay up after they go to sleep because this is my only "me" time. I know I am the type of person who needs 8 hours a night, so I really need to start going to bed when they do, that way I will have more energy during the day, and maybe even enough to get out of bed earlier than the boys and get a work out in. My "to do" list is ever growing. I am a list maker, so to keep my sanity I am constantly writing lists...it's bad, and actually adds to my insanity! Ha! I know if I just get one thing done from that list a day I will feel good about myself. My last goal to make conscience decisions to eat healthy snacks. Sounds easy enough right? Well it's hard to train yourself to crave healthy foods, but I know I need to start somewhere, so snacks it is.

So for now I will focus on these three goals and add to them as I can.

Just get moving!

My friend Sam and her hubby came over on Saturday to meet the boys! It was so nice to see them and get to show off our little men. Sam is so sweet and thoughtful and got me a gift bag of workout motivation! The above frame, new socks, shirt, headbands, and an adorable water cup...it's is so fun to get that kind of stuff. New workout attire is always motivating because you want I USE it! Thank you Sam! You are always so thoughtful and I love you! 

Yesterday I had such a nice day! The boys are giving me a little more sleep at night so I feel like I'm gaining a little bit of my sanity back. I went to my friend's place and she waxed my eyebrows (so I no longer look like Chewbacca, yeah I'm not sure how to spell that one, from Star Wars) and we went on a walk around the lake. It was beautiful and so nice to get out of the house. Those little outings make me feel human again. 

She is so sweet and suggested that we take a picture for my blog! It is so nice to have such support from friends! I know I might not be hitting the gym everyday (or any day yet for that matter) but just getting out and moving around is better than nothing. I think sometimes I get so discouraged that I can't make it to the gym yet, that I forget that even a walk around the neighborhood is good! I can't wait to do it again! 

Then on my way home I grabbed In N Out...oops. It was good though so I'm okay with it.

My friend Casey came over and met the boys. It's so fun to see my childhood friends with my babies. 

I've been having an out of control sweet tooth. So I TRY to make healthier options. This is what happens when you use applesauce instead of Greek Yogurt and Baking Soda instead of Baking Powder (because I wasn't paying attention)...

See the trick is to make something so nasty looking you won't eat it! Haha! Have I mentioned I'm a HORRIBLE cook? 

I found this Roasted Cinnomen Chickpea recipe and thought maybe that would satisfy my needs. Although delicious, they weren't sweet enough so I saved them as a treat for today. 

I must be lacking something in my diet causing this out of control sweet tooth. Today I decided I'm going to make conscious decisions about not eating sweets. I know that if you feed the "sweet tooth" or any type of unhealthy want, you'll CRAVE that kind of food, and that is what has happened to me. So until I get this back under control, no more brownies, cake, cookies etc., even in the "healthy" versions. 

Until next time...

I'll be snuggling with the two! When did they get so big?! *tear*

My Weakness

Summertime staples around my house are BBQs, bonfires, beers and chips and dip. Wouldn't you know, these are my weaknesses. Who doesn't like to enjoy some salty food with a couple beers on a hot summer day? I am definitely struggling to make changes in my diet. I think part of the problem for me is that I am still losing weight even though I am not making the best choices. I know that won't last forever and once I am done nursing the boys I can't make these food choices and still expect to lose weight.  I guess everyone struggles though in the beginning. Changes are not always easy especially when you are so used to doing things a certain way for so long.

The whole point of this blog was for me to be held accountable...although I am pretty sure I only have a couple readers..Hi Sam! Hi Mom! Hi B! I feel totally hypocritical since I know I don't make the best food choices... but I am trying. It is something that is constantly on my mind, and my little sister inspires me everyday whether she knows it or not. Seeing her transformation and dedication make me want that. I want to show my boys how to live a healthy life, being active and eating healthy. I want it for myself, I want to look in the mirror and not criticize what I see, I want to BE healthy and FEEL healthy. I'm not wanting this change to be skinny but to be fit and strong.

Well until next time....

Twin Mommy Breast Feeding Tips

So you know how when your pregnant, your body all of a sudden no longer is yours but everyone else's to talk about and touch? I was fortunate enough to never have a stranger reach out and rub my belly, I have no clue how I would have reacted, and I can honestly say if friends or family wanted to touch the belly I didn't mind. I liked sharing that specialness with the people I loved. I didn't really mind talking about my changing body either, I had a very easy pregnancy and even for twins my weight gain was steady, so this wasn't a sore subject for me. What I didn't like was talking about breast feeding twins...

When we found out there were two, I knew that I still wanted to breast feed. My amazing cousin could do it, and plenty of twin mommies before me did it, so could I. Here's the thing, breastfeeding twins is not easy "oh my baby is hungry let me just whip it (or shall I say them) out and feed him". No no no, with twins this is much different. Especially if you tandem feed. We will get to that a little later...

I would tell my husband how important breat feeding was to me, and he is the reason I was successful at it. Ladies your hubby or significant other will be your biggest fan, and if you have his support that is huge! My hubby was the only one I really felt comfortable talking about breast feeding with, or other twin mommies. The reason for this is because feeding twins felt more invasive than feeding a singleton, because people had questions. Well how will you do it? Oh at the same time? How do you do THAT? Ok people my boobs, my body. You don't ask a singleton mother how she breast feeds do you? I felt very vulnerable I guess. With all of that said, I truly do not mind talking about it now with certain people. I'm a little shy about it still yes, because it IS very different from feeding one baby, and because I feel like a milk cow, but it's how I feed my precious sons. People have questions, naturally, because it is different. However, it is what is making my babies so strong and I am proud that I can do it, for a while when they were in the NICU and the fact that I had two babies to feed, I doubted myself. I told myself if I can at least pump and get them breast milk that way  I would be stoked. 

When my babies ended up in the NICU the only thing I could do to help them was get them breast milk. So I pumped, and pumped and pumped and...you get the picture. The day after my surgery the lactation specialist at the hospital came in and showed my husband and I how to use the pump. My husband was SO AMAZING, he hooked up the pump each time I needed to pump, he charted at what time I pumped, he set alarms so in the middle of the night we could wake up and pump, he cheered me on when I got only a small amount. I remember being so upset those first few days only a little bit of milk came in. Of course I learned that is normal but as a new mom I was worried. Then I started producing more, but got stuck for a couple weeks only producing 2 ounces on each side, and I thought there is no way that was enough! Again my supply built up after that. At the time I worried I wouldn't produce enough, but I kept pushing. My babies were in the NICU. I was in so much pain from my csection, the only way I could help my sons was to give them what God gave me to make them thrive. So I pushed onward with my husband cheering me on. 

I started trying to breast feed the boys when we would visit the NICU. They were so tiny and had been bottle fed it was challenging teaching them how to nurse. Plus, I was learning too! So here's three inexperienced people trying something new, even with guidance we had to find our own groove. The NICU nurses would let me try for about 10 minutes and if that didn't work we would bottle feed (my breast milk). Preemies can get tired and overworked, and my main concern was getting them home so there were many times we resorted to the bottle. We also used something called a nipple shield. I saw this as a stepping stone to the real thing. It got them on the breast but simulated a nipple on a bottle. It helped, but I hated using it because it never failed that a baby would grab it and I would have to reposition it causing a baby to get upset and me to get frustrated. 

CJ got to come home first. So I worked with him single breast feeding, I was also still pumping every three hours religiously to keep my supply up. I would practice the football hold with him because when his brother got home that is how he would be eating. It was difficult. When you have a hungry, crying baby it's hard to stay focused. I did what the NICU nurses said, gave him a time limit and if we couldn't figure it out we bottle fed. If he did latch on (with the shield) I would give him a bottle after to make sure he got enough milk. 

To get rid of the shield I would start a feeding with it, and take it off mid feeding to "trick" the baby. It worked! I few times of that and no more shield! Yay! When my second son got home I practiced feeding the same way I did with his brother. He didn't really use the shield so that helped a lot. He was a good nurser from the beginning (for the most part). 

Then tandem feeding came into play. If you plan on tandem feeding I seriously suggest a twin nursing pillow. I used "My Brest Friend" twin nursing pillow. It's huge, and so worth it. Tandem feeding was hard. I remember the boys were both crying and hungry, I was getting discouraged but not willing to give up. I told them "look guys, mommy is determined to make this work, so you have to try too". I reached out to my twin mommy group for support, and it wasn't two days after that, that the boys got it. What an amazing feeling! We did it! It took about two weeks to get it down to a science and even still my one son has a small latching issue at times but we always get it. 

With tandem feeding you can't just nurse your babies in public when they are hungry. You have to find a descrete location to nurse. Unless you want to show the world your breast. Even if they latch well, having two on at a time is not something you can cover very easily. Yes you could do them separately and in certain situations that's what will have to be done, but feeding twins is so different from feeding one. The convenience of no bottles and never being stuck without food while your out is there, but unlike with a singleton you can't just feed wherever. It is something that makes me a little sad, but I'll talk about that in a different post. 

My tips for a new tandem or regular breast feeding mommy:

1. Don't give up! Its hard but you can do it! 

2. Know that in those first few weeks your body will only produce a small amount and that's because that is all your baby needs. 

3. Lean on your support system, they will make or break you. 

4. Ask for help! It's not easy! For something that is "natural" it is very difficult. 

5. Pump to keep your supply up. I pumped every 3 hours even through the night, my freezer is full of breast milk instead of regular food. Ha! 

6. If tandem feeding, invest in a twin feeding pillow. Mine has little grooves in it to hold the baby close to me. I also like it because while I'm trying to get one on it prevents the other from rolling off.

7. If you need to call a lactation specialist, they are there to help.

8. If nursing twins I highly suggest working with them one on one at first so you and babies can get it. 

9. Be patient, it takes time. 

10. Don't give up (did I already say this?) 

I know it's not easy for everyone. In the end you have to do what is mentally and physically right for you and your baby. A happy momma makes for a happy baby. 

Tandem burping! I'm getting the hang of this ;) 

So it's been a few days

I'll be honest, I lost a little inspiration or motivation over the last few days. I started making not so great of food choices and feeling like I needed to regroup...So here I am. For me, the journey of making healthier food choices starts in my head. I think about the changes I want to make for a while and then I start to incorporate them into my day to day routine. It has to be a mental commitment and I have to accept the fact that every journey has a starting point. I won't be able to wake up one morning and make healthy choices  at every single meal on that first day, it takes time. I know that once I start making more healthy choices that my body will crave healthy food. I've done it before, I can do it again.

So my day started off with feeding my boys and they were gracious enough to be happy and content while I made myself blueberry pancakes, made with oat flour and protein powder. These were so good and I liked them a lot more than my strawberry ones. 

Yes I used powdered sugar on my healthy pancakes... Baby steps right? My friend came over and took some AMAZING pictures of my boys. When she left I realized I had a little while before the hooligans woke up and demanded a feeding so I made myself an ever so healthy half quesadilla, with chips...and as if that wasn't good enough, I decided those chips needed to be nachos...OUT OF CONTROL! What happened to "you make a good choice in the morning and you will for the rest of the day"? Oh and then I had a brownie. Oy, one healthy meal right? Baby steps...so after that ever so healthy lunch I ate, I felt pretty bad for eating that poorly and decided I would be good for dinner. I made myself chicken, steamed broccoli and sauteed onions in coconut oil. So yummy! 

I must say I am proud of myself for this one. An easy meal? Yes. However, for someone who doesn't cook, I was please with how yummy this turned out. My desert (because I have a sweet tooth that won't leave me alone lately), I'll make myself a shake with mixed berries and Greek yogurt...that outta curve my craving.

As a side note, when I call my babies hooligans it is out of much love. They are the light of my life, and although demanding, I wouldn't change one second with them. I just like to use a little humor. Being a mommy to twins has shown me what I am made of. I am stronger than I ever thought and have more love in my heart than I knew existed, for not only my babies, but for my husband as well. Having newborns is no joke. You learn to be selfless instead of selfish. When you focus on the smiles it makes the sleepless nights, the worry, the spit up, being peed on and pooped on all worth it ;)

Until next time!

~Nic

Amazing Banana Fro Yo and a little recap

The last couple days have been hard. I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me. The boys are entering into a new stage where they are awake more often, I LOVE it! This means more smiles and cooing! However it also means less time for me to do anything remotely normal during my day. Today though, is a better day. I feel it!

So let us start with when things started to go down hill...Wednesday I was pretty tired all day. Feel very discouraged about food choices and how I am trying to balance eating right and eating at all during the day. So feeling discouraged I decided to make a dish called strada, and no its not healthy, but its delicious and I thought, tomorrow is another day. So as I am making my dish, I get to the part where it calls for pepper. Instead of measuring it like I should have, I thought, oh just eye ball it...and this is what happened:

Yes my pepper ended up in the eggs...go me! So I had to throw the pepper away because egg got into the pepper. Grrrrrr!

Flash forward to yesterday, another day of pure exhaustion. However, I decided I wouldn't be defeated in the kitchen. I'll admit I didn't make healthy choices ALL DAY, but I did make a healthy dinner and for that I was proud (as a side note: it takes time to make changes, so any small change in the right direction I feel is a good one). Ground turkey tacos, num nums! As I am making dinner, CJ of course needs me to hold him or he won't calm down so I decided to outsmart him! I got out the Baby Bjorn and plopped him in it! You are not stopping momma from what she is doing this time! I was HUNGRY! So as I sit down to eat this dinner I made, H starts fussing, and when he fusses I know he actually needs  something. So I held him and he fell right back to sleep on my chest (awwwe, I love these moments so much!). I was able to finish eating finally. I decided to sanitize the babies' little nose sucker thing (they had colds). So I turn on the stove and start boiling the germs off the nose sucker things and a pacifier. Then I think oh while the boys are sleeping I'll do the dishes. I grabbed the pan I made dinner in and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1......OUCH!!!!!!!!

My poor hubby walks in and I'm hunched over the sink crying and CJ is reaching his breaking point in the swing. Did I need to cry about the burn? I'm not really sure, but I did and it felt good! After about an hour of pain, trying to get the heat out, figuring out how to nurse both of the boys with one bunk hand...my mom showed up and nursed my hand back to tolerating levels. Oh and somewhere in between trying to get the heat out of my hand with honey, I dropped an apple sauce container on the floor and it broke open, of course! 

After the madness subsided and I was able to calm down, I made myself this AMAZING desert. I've been craving sweets, and this was so perfect. All it takes is bananas, unsweetened cocoa powder, peanut butter (or almond), and protein powder (if you want). I can't take credit for this because I am not creative in the kitchen at all...this recipe was one that I got from Pintrest, but you can also see the original post here: The Not Quite Vegan (with pictures).

Banana FroYo

1 serving

2 frozen bananas (sliced THEN put in the freezer, unless you are really smart like me and put a full banana in the freezer hoping you could cut it after)

1 Tablespoon Peanut Butter

1/2 Tablespoon Cocoa Powder

1 Scoop Protein Powder (Vanilla)

I used a blender and it had a hard time with the frozen bananas, so...in a food processor, blend bananas until a frozen yogurt consistency, add Peanut Butter, Cocoa Powder and Protein. Blend some more until mixed together. Then enjoy! SO delish!

 

That's me, enjoying my AMAZING Banana FroYo, with my classy bandage on my hand

Now off to do Pilates while my babies do tummy time. Does it count if they are sleeping? Ha!

*edit- did I say I was going to do Pilates? H woke up and I can't figure out how to hook my iphone up to the tv!