When you hear the term the NICU rollercoaster, it doesn't make sense unless you've experienced it. There are ups and downs, unexpected twists and turns. Scary moments and even happy moments. Nothing can prepare you for seeing your babies fight for their lives. However, your mindset will be what will pull you through the emotional challenges you will encounter.
February 23, 2013 started off as any other day. I got my achy pregnant body out of bed and wondered how much longer I would be pregnant and uncomfortable. I was 34 weeks and 3 days preggers with our twin boys. Had I known my boys would be making their debut later that day I would have done anything to keep them in longer.
I know what it feels like to leave the hospital where you delivered your babies without them in your arms. I know what it feels like that although I just had babies, I wasn't a mom. What it's like to feel gyped I didn't get my bonding time with my babies when they were born because the second they were born the nurses were working frantically to keep my babies breathing. From the moment my babies were born until I got to have them home with me, my heart was broken. There was such an emptiness. Constant worry. My husband and I felt so incomplete when our boys were so far from us. We were constantly on the phone with the NICU. If it wasn't for those sweet nurses loving our babies as if they were their own, I don't know how I would have been able to leave the NICU. We became medical terminology pros over night. I learned what intubation, Brady, DSAT, and nasal cannula was, along with other terms. I made myself familiar with these terms so I could understand when the nurses told me what was happening with my boys.
I know people were worried that I was going to go off the deep end. Of course I was sad and depressed, my boys were fighting for their lives and I couldn't do anything but watch and pray and love them. I went into a reclusive state, not from depression, but I wanted everything to stop. I wanted the world to stop turning I wanted life to stop going on because I couldn't move forward until my boys were with me. I didn't speak to my very best friends for over a month...it could have actually been longer...the whole time the boys were in the NICU was a blur. All I cared about was my boys and how they were doing. I thank you friends for giving me my space. I know it was probably hard to see someone you love go through that, but thank you for giving me that time. I needed it to process everything.
With all of that said, I learned so much about myself during that time. I learned that I am a strong person, that I can speak up, that NICU nurses and doctors are AMAZING people (I already knew this but I gained a new perspective), I learned that even when I wanted to break down I had to keep going for my boys. My sons taught me so much about strength in those weeks they spent in the NICU. I read a quote recently that said "if you need to see inspiration for strength look at a preemie fighting for their life when they don't even know what it is they are fighting for". I can't find the exactly quote but this spoke volumes to me. My sons blew me away with their strength and I found my strength in theirs. What amazing little people preemies are. Their strength and endurance helped me, their mommy, stay positive.
The days apart from your babies in the NICU are long and hard. I remember feeling that it was so un-natural that I couldn't be with my new sons 24/7, that I couldn't hear their every cry. I felt and still feel so gyped that I didn't get those first months of their lives with them. However, through pain we find strength. If I only focused on all those negatives I would have been in a very bad place. It is only now looking back that I realize all those feelings I had. During the time the boys were in the NICU I focused on the positives. The boys were getting better every day, even if it was something seemingly small. Holding down another mL of food, being weaned off oxygen, these were HUGE milestones for my preemies who could barely breath on their own when they came into this world. There were set backs and scary moments, but the positives out weighed the negatives in my mind. My boys were growing stronger every single day, they are amazing people caring for them watching their every breathe, they were being put on a schedule (such a life saver especially with twins), they were getting used to noises, and they were brave little fighters! One of the NICU nurses told me that working with these little miracle babies is the closest that she can be to working with God. What a statement and so true. I knew my sweet, innocent boys were the closest that I would feel to being with God until the day I am in Heaven. That might not make a whole lot of sense to everyone but I felt His presence the whole time we were in the NICU even on the days I felt furthest from HIM. I know there were Angels with my babies.
The way I survived the NICU Rollercoaster was looking at my sons for strength, PRAYER, my faith, my husband, my family and friends, and really focusing on the accomplishments my boys made everyday no matter how small. I also knew I was helping my sons by pumping and getting them my milk even though I couldn't nurse them. This was huge for me, knowing that I was helping them. It was the only way that I could, so that's what I did.
I know people were worried that I was going to go off the deep end. Of course I was sad and depressed, my boys were fighting for their lives and I couldn't do anything but watch and pray and love them. I went into a reclusive state, not from depression, but I wanted everything to stop. I wanted the world to stop turning I wanted life to stop going on because I couldn't move forward until my boys were with me. I didn't speak to my very best friends for over a month...it could have actually been longer...the whole time the boys were in the NICU was a blur. All I cared about was my boys and how they were doing. I thank you friends for giving me my space. I know it was probably hard to see someone you love go through that, but thank you for giving me that time. I needed it to process everything.
With all of that said, I learned so much about myself during that time. I learned that I am a strong person, that I can speak up, that NICU nurses and doctors are AMAZING people (I already knew this but I gained a new perspective), I learned that even when I wanted to break down I had to keep going for my boys. My sons taught me so much about strength in those weeks they spent in the NICU. I read a quote recently that said "if you need to see inspiration for strength look at a preemie fighting for their life when they don't even know what it is they are fighting for". I can't find the exactly quote but this spoke volumes to me. My sons blew me away with their strength and I found my strength in theirs. What amazing little people preemies are. Their strength and endurance helped me, their mommy, stay positive.
The days apart from your babies in the NICU are long and hard. I remember feeling that it was so un-natural that I couldn't be with my new sons 24/7, that I couldn't hear their every cry. I felt and still feel so gyped that I didn't get those first months of their lives with them. However, through pain we find strength. If I only focused on all those negatives I would have been in a very bad place. It is only now looking back that I realize all those feelings I had. During the time the boys were in the NICU I focused on the positives. The boys were getting better every day, even if it was something seemingly small. Holding down another mL of food, being weaned off oxygen, these were HUGE milestones for my preemies who could barely breath on their own when they came into this world. There were set backs and scary moments, but the positives out weighed the negatives in my mind. My boys were growing stronger every single day, they are amazing people caring for them watching their every breathe, they were being put on a schedule (such a life saver especially with twins), they were getting used to noises, and they were brave little fighters! One of the NICU nurses told me that working with these little miracle babies is the closest that she can be to working with God. What a statement and so true. I knew my sweet, innocent boys were the closest that I would feel to being with God until the day I am in Heaven. That might not make a whole lot of sense to everyone but I felt His presence the whole time we were in the NICU even on the days I felt furthest from HIM. I know there were Angels with my babies.
The way I survived the NICU Rollercoaster was looking at my sons for strength, PRAYER, my faith, my husband, my family and friends, and really focusing on the accomplishments my boys made everyday no matter how small. I also knew I was helping my sons by pumping and getting them my milk even though I couldn't nurse them. This was huge for me, knowing that I was helping them. It was the only way that I could, so that's what I did.
The last day we were in the NICU and getting ready to take H home, a new baby was being rushed into the NICU...when she passed by us I got a huge lump in my throat knowing the journey the family was about to face. It's not an easy one, but if you can see the beauty that lies ahead, just keep going.
For some reason when the boys were in the NICU a song by Gunger called Beautiful Things kept playing over and over in my head. I kept hearing "You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us". I clung onto those words praying for my two beautiful sons.
For some reason when the boys were in the NICU a song by Gunger called Beautiful Things kept playing over and over in my head. I kept hearing "You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us". I clung onto those words praying for my two beautiful sons.
Here we are 4 months later, slightly sleep deprived, and busier than ever, but I wouldn't change a thing.
I love you! This made me cry so hard but smile even harder! I am so proud of you, Leif and those boys! Ugh I could go on and on and on... :)
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